8/10/23

Dear O and C,

Well, summer is almost over.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I wish I knew what schools you were attending this year.  O, I can’t believe you’re in middle school.  Funny, the original plan was for you to attend my middle school.  Honestly, it would have been the best fit for you.  Most of your friends will be attending my school.  It has the best athletics, music, and drama programs in the district.  I really hope you are not being home schooled by your mother.  That would be the worst thing that could ever happen to you.  You need socialization with peers and the support of a brick-and-mortar school staff, if you want to achieve your maximum potential.  Years ago, I dreamt of teaching and coaching you.  It would have been so much fun.  You would have been so loved and adored at my school, and everyone I know would have gone above and beyond to look out for you.  You could have played all the sports.  Middle school sports are where I made my best friends and learned many valuable life lessons.  It’s where I gained my confidence, and they allowed me to feel like I truly belonged.  I wished you would have been able to experience the same things.  I would have loved to coach you as well.  No matter what skewed memories of me you have, I know in my heart, I was always a great coach to you.  I was kind, gentle, caring, and always taught and explained things to you in such a way.  I was never hard on you, and I always accepted your abilities for what they were. I encouraged you constantly.  And most importantly, I was always so very proud of you.  I would have been the same way with you had I been given the opportunity to coach you at the middle school level.  Oh well.  Just one more of my dreams shattered and lost forever.  

C, I hope you are able to finish up at the same elementary school you’ve attended for the last four years.  I can’t believe you’re going to be a 5th grader!  If you are attending the same school, an old friend of mine will be your new Principal.  Of course, I’m forbidden to speak with her about you, but I do know she will take extra good care of you.  

I finally heard back from our therapist, CF.  She spoke with your mother, and your counselor, and came up with the idea that we would only see each other once per month, but it would be more of a mandatory visit.  Honestly, I’m fine with this.  It hardly matters at this point.  Our relationship has been so fractured, nothing will ever fix it.  As long as I get to see you once a month, and know that you are at least alive, that’s good enough for me.  The court order has not been published yet so I know your mother and her attorney are tampering with it.  My guess is that they are trying to change the order to reflect CF’s suggestion of therapy once per month, instead of every other week, which is what the judge ordered.  Again, honestly, I don’t care.  Neither way will make one bit of difference when it comes to healing our relationship.  We’re clearly moving backward, not forward. 

Interestingly enough, I read through some of my old journal entries yesterday.  They were from October and November of 2020, when we began our first series of supervised visits with W.  From the journal entries I gathered that we had some really nice visits.  We laughed, played, made art, and ate lunch together.  And most importantly, we hugged and kissed multiple times per visit.  That was when you boys still loved me, and showed me with physical affection.  We still said “I love you” to one another.  Those were your true feelings and actions.  Unfortunately, over the years, you were coached by your mother, either directly or indirectly, to no longer have those feelings.  You were coached and taught to replace the feeling of love with hate.  I wonder how that’s going to work out for you in the long run?  Probably not great.  But you’ve made your choices, and I guess at some point you’re going to have to live with them; the same way I’ve had to live with mine.  Pain, suffering, and hurt are great teachers, so hopefully you will have learned something from all of this at some point.  I miss you guys, but not nearly as much as I used to.  Honestly, I’ve lived so long without you in my life, oftentimes I forget what it was like to be with you.  I have a new life now, with new people in it.  I have new norms, new goals, new schedules and routines.  You will always be welcome back into my life should you choose, but I won’t hold my breath.   We are supposed to have a therapy session at the end of the month, but I won’t hold my breath for that either.  Hope you guys are doing well.  Talk soon.


Love,

Dad

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