12/2/24

Dear O and C,

My apologies for not writing in such a long time.  I hope both of you had a nice thanksgiving.  I shared a message with you via Talking Parents, so I hope your mother relayed it to you.  In any case, I am thankful for the both of you, and I miss you and love you very much.  I have so much to share with you.  R is pregnant again.  Yes, that is right, you will be having another baby brother!  I truly hope you are able to meet your little brothers someday.  You would both be the best big brothers in the world.  It is truly a shame you have been robbed of that experience.  No child should ever have to forgo one side of their family.  Please know, the door is always open should you ever want to come back into my life, and your brothers’ lives as well.  

As promised, I received a very short and vague update from your mother yesterday, in regard to the two of you.  She simply stated that O, you were able to bring your math scores up.  C, you got straight B’s.  And, both of you finished up your fall sports seasons.  Of course, she wouldn’t share what sports you were playing, because, heaven forbid I know that information.  I’m going to assume it’s baseball though.  So, congratulations on  doing well in school, and completing your fall sports seasons.  Your mother would not even share pictures with me, claiming the two of you did not want her to.  This may be true, and if it is, I know you were brainwashed into this frame of thinking.  

Your mother has completely alienated the two of you from me.  It must be tiring for her to hide so much of your life from me.  This is the same woman who could not go a day without posting something new about how great our lives were, how well the two of you were doing, basically everything about our lives was posted on social media until we got divorced.  Now your lives are covered up and hidden from public view, and from your father, like the two of you are in witness protection or something.  It’s just funny how extreme your mother is.  Are you genuinely afraid that if I see a picture of you, or know what sport you are playing, that I might seek you out and find you?  The idea is so absurd.  First off, I have completely left you alone and respected your privacy for the last 4 years and 3 months.  Second, I do know your address, so if I was going to seek you out, I would have done so a long time ago.  Third, it’s just ludicrous to think I pose any kind of threat to you; I never did and I never will.  I have my own life to worry about. I don’t spend my time thinking, “how can I harm my children?”  Writing it down makes me think how silly of an idea it is.  I hope to god you don’t live in fear.  If you do, please know that it is 100% because of the manipulation and mind control your mother has exercised over you.  

        I do spend my days thinking about the two of you.  I spend my days missing you, and reminiscing about the good times we shared.  I spend my days wishing, hoping, praying that someday, I will get to see you again.  If there is any doubt in your minds that I pose any threat to you, let me assure you, I do not.  I have changed a great deal since you have last seen me.  When I say last seen me, I am referring to over 4 years ago.  I mean last seen me unsupervised, or without a counselor present.  Because truthfully, I had already changed drastically when you saw me during our therapy sessions.  I don’t count that, because it did not matter to you one bit.  It made not one bit of difference to you that I had changed.  It made not one bit of difference to you that I was sober.  It didn’t matter to you that I had completed parenting courses, anger management courses, regularly saw a therapist, and completely had my anger under control.  None of that mattered to you then, and it probably doesn’t matter to you now. But for the record, I have been sober for 1,128 days.  I hope someday you are able to comprehend what an accomplishment that is for me.  I hope someday you are able to witness firsthand, without bias, the incredible amount of work I’ve put in and the person I’ve become, mainly for you.  Again, I am by no means perfect, but I have become so much calmer, more in touch with my feelings, and far better at communicating and handling myself in a peaceful manner.  You deserve to experience this new version of me.  It is not only for you two.  It is for myself, my wife, my other two boys, and everyone who knows me.  I have turned tragedy into triumph in this aspect.  I took a negative, losing the two of you, and turned it into something beautiful.  Not many people can say that. Many people take a negative and run with it, and use it as an excuse to destroy their life.  I liken myself to a seed.  Every seed has to completely destroy itself before it can grow into something strong and beautiful, like a tee.  I am a tree; strong, stable, and with my roots dug so far into the ground that nothing can knock me down. I am this way for you.  I am here for you in this stable, peaceful and loving capacity, whenever you are ready for me. I love you both so dearly, and I always will.  Wishing you all the best.


Love,

Dad

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