1/20/24

Dear O and C,

I miss you so much.  Lately, it’s been tearing my heart apart when I think about how much I miss both of you.  I watch videos from when you were little.  We didn’t have a perfect home, but we had a darn good one.  It’s obvious to see how much you and I loved and cared for each other.  You felt safe around me.  I was so happy to be your father.  There is also a video where O, you are lying on the floor with your blanket, asking your mother for something.  She is, of course, filming you, and telling you not to throw a temper tantrum.  It is very clear that you are not throwing a temper tantrum, and are only asking for something.  Your mother goes on to threaten you and says, “if you don’t stop throwing a temper tantrum, I’m going to film you, and send it to all of your friends so they won’t want to play with you anymore. When they see this, they won't want to be your friends anymore.”  This is so cruel.  Yet, this happened daily.  Your mother constantly made threats to you, and to me, and she filmed everything.  I hope I can show you these videos someday, so you can at least see both sides of the equation.  I love you guys.  I always have and I always will.  I was not a perfect father, but no one is a perfect parent; those don’t exist.  I owned up to my mistakes and apologized profusely for them.  I hope that someday you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.  Until that day comes, I will continue to live with a great deal of pain, and a huge hole in my heart.  There is an emptiness, a void, that can never be filled without you.  I hope you never have to suffer a loss so great.  It is true though, that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.  I hope your hearts are not closed off to love, in fear of being hurt.  I hope you aren’t afraid to put your hearts out there, and open yourselves up to the possibilities of love.  I know you have been forced to guard your hearts from any semblance of love you ever felt towards me.  You can’t stay guarded forever.  Eventually, it will all come pouring out.  The love, the loss, the emptiness, the confusion, the questions, and so on.  You have, and will continue to hear your mother’s side of what happened, but someday you will yearn for the truth.  As of now, you only know her truth.  Someday, you will want to find your own truths.  It’s inevitable.  It’s human nature. It will be your journey, and your quest, and you will never be whole until you begin searching for it. In order to do so, you're going to have to put your hearts on the line.  You're going to have to take risks, and know that some people will try and break your hearts; but don’t let that deter you.  I hope you will always search for your truth, and in doing so, I hope you will find how much I love you.  I always held your hearts near and dear to me.  I guarded them with my life, and I always will. 

In other news, the last message your mother sent me via talking parents was again, very vague.  I did ask for more information about how the two of you are doing, and to much surprise, she told me more.  She told me that both of you are playing sports, but would not elaborate on which ones.  She told me that you are both doing well in school.  She told me that you both have a good group of friends, and that you like your new school.  Hearing this information did make me happy to know that you guys are doing ok.  She did say that you both wanted to know that I would not use any of this information against you, and that is why you were hesitant to share more information with me.  I want you both to know that what she is doing is called “Mind control.”  It’s what Hitler did in the 1930’s and 1940’s in order to exterminate millions of Jews.  It’s pure evil.  Your mother has convinced you that I am such a bad man that even merely possessing information about you could be harmful or hazardous for you.  It’s complete absurdity, and cruel to do to your children, especially coming from someone who claims to love and care for you. I hope the two of you are smart enough to know that; Nothing I know about you could ever be used against you.  That is literally just common sense. I know where you live.  I know where you go to school.  I have a pretty good idea of what sports you play.  If I ever wanted to see you, I know where to find you.  However, out of respect and love for you, I have never once infringed on your privacy or daily lives, nor would I ever.  Any decent parent would never involve their children in what information is passed from one parent to another.  The simple act of involving you in that process is cruel beyond belief.  Your mother is a so-called adult.  She should be able to decipher what information she shares with me, and what information she doesn’t.  Your job is to be a kid.  To study hard, get good grades, play sports, hang out with your friends, and have fun; not to falsely worry about the harm your father might pose to you if he had certain information.  

On February 1st, I am going to ask your mother if she has any plan in place to help with the reunification between us, without involving the court. My hope is that she will be open to the idea.  All I would ask for is communication between us via phone for several months.  If all went well, I would hope it could move to in person contact.  Maybe an hour or two on Saturdays, at a park.  I would just love to play catch, shoot some hoops, or kick a ball around. We wouldn’t have to talk about anything serious.  It would just allow me to know first hand, without having to rely on the words of your mother, that you guys are ok.  It would help to normalize our relationship, and allow me to know that in some very small way, I am still able to be your father.  As for now, I am stuck in this recurring nightmare of knowing that I once had a loving and flourishing relationship with you two. That relationship was torn apart and destroyed.  Instead of being allowed to repair it, I am stuck knowing that you live, eat, breathe, sleep just a mile away from me, yet, I am not permitted by your mother to see you or speak to you.  Therefore, I question my own sanity and reality, daily.  It’s as if we are living in a parallel universe in the same physical space.  It seems impossible, yet it has become my reality. I don’t cry about it as much as I used to, but the pain is just as strong.  I fear that I will never see you or speak to you again, and that just about kills me. To be honest, I’m not even sure how I’ve made it this far.  There are plenty of days when I don’t feel I have enough strength to go on.  I often think if I were to perish from earth, life would become a little easier for all of us.  I would not have to spend each day missing you with all of my heart, wondering if I’ll ever see you again.  And you would never have to make that decision, or be burdened with the thought of it. Fate is in God's hands, and what will be will be.  At least I can have faith in that. Until then.

Love,

Dad