07/01/22

Dear O and C,

I think it is very important for you to know that I did not abandon you.  First off, when your mother and I chose to separate and get a divorce, we had a family co-parenting plan in place.  We sat down and discussed all of the details, in what I knew to be a very amicable and sincere way, and decided on what we felt would be best for the two of you.  It was a mutually agreed upon plan, that your mother and I felt put your best interests’ first and foremost.  At that time, I had no idea your mother was going to file an ex parte in an attempt to strip me of all my parental rights.  I felt very confident that we both meant what we said, and that we were going to do our best to follow the plan, put your needs first, and co-parent you to the best of our abilities.  I can say with 100% confidence, that is exactly what I did.  I was not perfect, but no parent is.  I did the best I could with the tools I had. I was a great father to you both.  I took care of your every need when you were in my care.  Never once did I put you in harm’s way, or put you in a compromised, unsafe situation.  You were my life; my everything.  You were my greatest sense of purpose on this earth; and I did not take my job and responsibilities lightly.  I was working towards giving you guys a better life.  A life without high conflict and drama.  I thought your mother was working towards the same thing, but now I realize her only goal was to destroy me, and to destroy my relationship with you guys. I don’t know another mother who could ever do such a thing to her sons.  I am so sorry you two had to go through that.  She probably told you guys that she was protecting you and keeping you safe.  But again, the truth is, I never posed a threat to you boys.  I already was protecting you and keeping you safe.  I think your mother was scared because she knew that, and she was afraid that you guys would want to spend more time with me.  She was afraid that you guys would see the normalcy in my home with R, and that you would want to spend more time in our home.  She was probably threatened by R, afraid of you guys looking at her as another mother figure.  This is in stark contrast to the message your mother first shared with you prior to the divorce which was; “don’t worry boys, now you are going to have two mother figures to look after you.” For the record, R never wanted the role of being a “mother” to the two of you.  She knew she would always be your stepmom, and that you already had a mother and she respected that.  R’s only goal was to take the best care of you possible, while you were in our care; and that’s exactly what she did.  

I did not abandon you; you were taken from me.  You were removed from my care by the court as a result of your mother filing an Ex-Parte against me.  I never stood a chance.  The initial document your mother wanted me to sign stated that I would relinquish my custody of you, and enter a six month inpatient rehabilitation facility.  This was the craziest thing I had ever heard of.  First off, I was not willing to give up any parental rights to you boys.  Second, I didn’t need an inpatient rehabilitation facility; that would have been the wrong form of treatment for me.  It also would have meant me giving up my career, and not being able to pay child support; neither of which I was willing to do.  Not that I look back, your mother even offered to help pay for it.  It was all a tactic for her to get full custody of you guys, and to swindle the house away from me.  If I had copped to everything she had accused me of, and given in to her initial request, the court definitely would have deemed me an unfit father.  Also, if I was in an inpatient rehabilitation facility without an income, your mother would have been able to take the house from me.  She would have taken a loan and borrowed money against the house, in order to help pay for my rehabilitation, and used that as a ploy for her to stay in the house.  There was always a catch, and a hidden agenda when it came to your mothers ideas.  She looked out for herself, and herself only.  I did not sign the initial contract your mother proposed because it was only in the best interest of her.  And so she filed the ex parte. 

Even after the judge awarded your mother full temporary custody; I didn’t run away.  I didn’t quit on you guys.  The truth is, I followed the judge’s orders to a tee.  I did everything the court asked of me, in order to win back some share of custody.  Your mother meanwhile, fought me every step of the way.  Every time something was going well, or I was having any form of success, she destroyed it.  Our initial supervised visits with Winnie were going so well.  There was absolutely no reason for your mother to have fired Winnie as the supervisor, but she did.  She did because she saw how well the visits were going, and how well I was doing, and she was threatened by that.  I still walk that route every day, and reminisce about when I would walk to the breakfast place, and meet you there.  Then, the four of us, you two, the supervisor W, and myself, would walk back to my house.  I wasn’t even ashamed, or embarrassed.  I just knew that I was doing what I had to do to get you boys back.  Your mother couldn’t let anything rest.  She wouldn’t even let us meet in the parking lot, which was one of the few things I had control over.  She claimed it was an inconvenience to her, and that we would have to meet on the other side of the street from then on.  Inconvenience to her!?  It was laughable, but I was infuriated.  An inconvenience is having your children removed from your care for no good reason. Try having to pay some agency $200/week for a two-hour visit with your own children; that is an inconvenience.  For her to make a fuss about where to drop you off was ludicrous. I could hardly believe it.  But it was so on par with all of your mothers’ actions.  Again, it was her way, or the highway.  She had to be in complete control of every single situation and every little detail, no matter what; down to the side of the street she was willing to drop you off on.  It was unbelievable, and a huge part of why our marriage did not work out.  I never had a say in anything.  And when I did give my two cents about something, she would gaslight me, and make me feel like I was crazy.  

So once again, I want you to know, I did not abandon you.  You were taken away from me.  We were alienated from each other, by your mother, by her lawyers, and by the court.  It’s not fair.  It’s not just.  It’s just the way it is.  If it were up to me, you boys would live with me 100% of the time.  But unfortunately, it’s not up to me.  The harsh reality is, no matter how many classes I take, no matter how long I’m sober, no matter how many counseling sessions I sit through, there is a good chance I may never see you again; which is so wrong on so many levels.  No child should have to grow up without a parent.  That is where the real damage is caused.  The sad part is, it was totally avoidable.  But your mother couldn’t let things lay.  She couldn’t take the opportunity she was given, and make the most of it.  She had to do what she does best and destroy everything.  

Another sad part is, I suffered from abandonment issues from my father.  My mom and him divorced when I was five.  I only got to see him every other weekend from then on; and sometimes even less than that, depending on what girl he was dating, and what exotic vacation they were on.  My father never really owned up to his responsibilities as a father.  He hardly paid my mom any child support.  He never took care of the essential issues like; health care, dental, clothes, etc.  He only spent money on toys and vacations.  Sure, he took us out to nice restaurants, and on the occasional trip, but he neglected his responsibilities as a father.  He never read to us before bed.  He never helped us with our homework.  He never made an effort to help cultivate friendships with other children, during his time with us.  He hardly ever came to any of my sporting events, and supported me.  He convinced my brother and I to spend our college savings funds on dirt bikes.  So of course, we had fun riding motorcycles with him, and going boating with him; but I would have traded all of that just to have a normal, functioning, father son relationship with him.  A relationship where I could have actually spoken to him about life.  One in which he would have offered advice, read to me, cooked a meal with me, offered financial support for the necessitates in life; not the wants.  But guess what, I never got the opportunity to right the ship with my dad.  He died before I ever got the chance.  Even if he didn’t die, I’m not sure I would have ever gotten the opportunity.  My dad was not good at communicating.  He was downright lousy at it.  And even when I did try and bring up sensitive issues with him, he never understood, or could see things my way.  That’s part of the reason why our situation hurts me so much.  I always vowed to never let that happen between us.  I always vowed to put your needs first and foremost, and do everything in my power to take care of you guys.  I always vowed to have an open and honest relationship with you guys; one where we could talk about anything. I openly expressed that to you guys on a regular basis.  The irony is, despite my best efforts, my relationship with you guys was destroyed regardless.  I’m doing everything in my power to repair the harm that has been done, but most of my efforts are being thwarted at the hands of your mother, her attorneys, and the SMC family court system and the judges who preside over it.  I just hope that we get the chance to repair things someday, before it’s too late.  

Unfortunately, you’re going to find out someday, if you haven’t already, that life can be downright cruel.  Life is not fair.  We really don’t have control over much, no matter how much we think we do, or how hard we try.  I hope you boys are able to accept that from an earlier age than I was able to.  The only thing we really have control over is ourselves and our actions and whether or not we are good people.  I genuinely believe you two have very big hearts, and have the ability to be very good people.  I hope you are able to be kind and loving towards others.  I hope you are able to use that ability to make a positive impact on the world, on yourselves, and on the lives of others.  Life is too short to be petty, to be angry, or to hold grudges; and it will only negatively affect you in the long run anyway.  So, I hope that you have a positive outlook on life and that you are able to see the good in yourselves, and the good in others.  Remember, should you ever want to see me, or talk to me, or have a relationship with me; I will be right here waiting, until the day that I die.    

Love,

Dad