05/20/22

Dear O and C,

    I want you to know that I am doing everything in my power to see you again.  I just recently finished a sixteen week parenting class and a sixteen week anger management class.  I realize that I wasn’t a perfect father, and I wanted to do everything in my power to be the best dad I could possibly be for you.  The parenting class was very helpful in my quest.  I learned lots of great parenting techniques and strategies that are low conflict.  I learned that I could parent you two, without raising my voice, or getting angry.  I learned more about compromise.  I learned the importance of listening to the both of you, and your needs.  I learned that it wasn’t about me.  I learned that the most important thing was to make the two of you feel safe, and to feel heard.  I wasn’t the worst father in the world previously; matter of fact, I think I was a pretty good dad.  However, it was very helpful and useful to learn new strategies, so I could become an even better dad.  It was also very therapeutic and supportive to know that there were other people out there going through very similar situations to what I was going through.  Everyone in the class had the opportunity to speak and share, and I learned so much from hearing their stories.  I also realized that I was not going through this experience alone; that there were others dealing with the same things.  We were all learning, and teaching each other, together, as adults.  It was a beautiful thing.  I realized that you are never too old to change, or to learn new things.  You always have the opportunity to better yourself as a human being, and I was so glad to be taking the steps to do so.  

    The anger management class was equally important to my growth, and beneficial.  My whole life, I never really knew how to deal with my emotions and my feelings.  I had been through a lot as a child.  Part of what makes this whole situation so challenging to accept, is the fact that I was abused as a child.  I was sexually abused.  This took such a devastating toll on me, and would forever change the person I am.  I went to counseling for years following the abuse.  My counselor helped me through a lot of very difficult times, and I am forever grateful for that.  She had such a profound impact on my life, that I still speak to her to this day.  However, I could never account for the long-lasting impacts that the trauma would cause me.  One of the impacts was anger, and how I dealt with it.  I would often lash out and go on the offense when I had any feelings of anger, or even sadness.  I wanted to be the one to do the hurting, before being the one who got hurt.  It was a defense mechanism; and one I would use most of my life.  I realized in the anger management class, that it was a mechanism that hadn’t served me well throughout my life.  In fact, oftentimes it caused even more pain, frustration, sadness, and hurt.  In this class, along with seeing my therapist, I learned how to control my emotions.  I learned how to name my feelings, and how to be able to talk through them.  I learned that it was ok to take a break if I needed one.  I learned that most issues could be resolved, as long as I didn’t do anything to cause additional pain, hurt, or damage.  I learned how to sit with my feelings, and that it was ok to be sad.  It was ok to cry, and that it wasn’t a weakness, it was just a way of expressing myself.  I learned that it was even normal and okay to have feelings of anger, but I learned how to express those feelings properly, and in a way that wouldn’t harm others.  I learned how to remain calm in the face of adversity.  I learned how to breathe, and to be fully present in the moment.  I learned how to actively listen to others, and take their feelings into consideration.  I learned that I was not always going to be right, and that I didn’t have to be.  Once again, I learned that there were many other people out there, from all walks of life, who were dealing with similar situations as myself.  It was so reassuring to know that I was not alone.  The man who ran the classes was so stoic and calm, and I thought to myself, I want to be able to handle any situation, just how I imagine he would.  The classes were so beneficial and eye opening, and I knew that not only would they help me become a better father, but a better person as well.  This was the first time throughout this entire process that I felt like the work I was doing was truly for myself, and for you guys, and not just to please some lawyer or judge, or to meet some requirement.  There was true change and transformation taking place, and I felt really good about it.  

Love,

Dad