Introduction

I am a father who has been alienated from his two children, O and C. The alienation began in September 2020. Hearing the judge grant full custody to my ex wife was the worst moment of my life.  I was in complete shock and disbelief.  I had an out of body experience, and thought I must be dreaming.  I could not comprehend the decision that had just been made. The pain and heartache that followed from that point on was unbearable.  I wanted to die on numerous occasions.  I followed the court order to the T, and yet, no progress could be made because my ex wife and her attorney sabotaged every effort I made.  It was a losing battle the moment the judge made her decision, and I knew it.  I tried to keep hope alive, but my hopes kept getting destroyed every time a new declaration was filed with the court, every time a new series of false accusations were made, every time the judge made a new ruling in my ex-wife's favor.  I could not catch a break, and was spiraling downward, fast. Imagine trying to sprint up a steep muddy hill while it’s raining.  You can’t get any traction, and there are hoards of people at the top of the hill throwing rocks at you.  You can see the finish line at the top of the hill, and some people even tell you that you can reach the finish line if you work hard enough.  But deep down in your soul, you know reaching that finish line is impossible.  Even attempting to get there is causing you so much pain, defeat, and exhaustion.  You know eventually the only choice you will be left with is to give up.  That is how this experience felt.  I knew I might never see or speak to my children again, who were once so endeared and beholden to me.  I knew I was extremely limited in terms of what I could do, or actions I could take.  I had to do something though, and that something had to have zero ramifications attached to it.  I did the only thing I could think of; I wrote.  I wrote letters to my boys.  Time after time, day after day, hour after hour, I wrote.  I wrote for therapeutic reasons as much as I did for my boys.  I wanted my voice to be heard, and my story to be told.  I wanted to feel like I was connecting with my boys, even though I was not allowed to truly connect with them.  This was my only choice, and I embraced it with everything I had left to give.  My hope is that someday, my boys will be able to read these letters, and that someday it will help to shed light on an otherwise one sided and very dark situation.  My boys have been under their mother's control and in her sole custody for the last four and a half years.  There are two sides to every story, and they deserve to know both of them.