05/12/22

Dear O and C,

I miss you very, very much.  I can’t stop thinking about you guys right now.  You are my heart, my world, my everything.  There are many nights I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could hold the both of you.  At times, it feels like I have a hole in my heart-- like part of me is missing.  O and C, I am sorry we have been separated from each other.  I truly believe that parental alienation is one of the most hateful and atrocious crimes in the world.  I believe no parent should ever be separated from their children; unless extreme abuse is occurring.  I am a mandated reporter by law.  I’ve had to contact CPS several times throughout my career.  The forms of abuse I witnessed, or heard about, were so sad, they would bring most people to tears.  I’m talking rape, molestation, physical harm, extreme verbal and mental abuse.  It is my job to keep children safe.  I am very good at my job, and have always gone out of my way to keep children safe; including you two. If I ever get the opportunity I will continue to put your safety first.  

Even though I couldn’t speak to you, or see you, I was constantly making every effort to check in on you.  I contacted your doctor to make sure you were both safe and healthy.  I contacted your teachers to make sure you were doing well in school.  I contacted your counselor to check in on you guys, and garner any information I could about your well-being.  I did everything I could.  My options were so limited.  I couldn’t reach out to anyone who had contact with you.  All of your mother’s family members cut me off.  I couldn’t contact any mutual friends, because your mother had created such an awful, false narrative about me.  I lost many friends throughout this ordeal, but what I learned is that they were never my friends to begin with.  That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it was a life lesson that I needed to learn, even if the hard way.  I would run into people around town who knew you both, but I was terrified to ask if they had seen or heard from you recently.  I didn’t know what people knew about the situation, and I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or insert them in any way.  I was constantly nervous about who I might run into, and what I would say.  It felt as though I was trying to navigate a minefield everywhere I went.  Heaven forbid I run into you two again; we know what happened the last time that occurred.  I was so fearful, more fearful than I had ever been in my life.

    But these letters aren’t about me.  They are about my love for you two.  These letters are to help you make sense of an otherwise catastrophically confusing situation.  These letters are meant to tell you my truth.  To give you a perspective you will have never heard before. Trust me, I know your truths are different.  I know you may read this, and think I’m full of beans, and not believe a single word I’ve written.  I know there is a possibility that you will never read these letters.  I hope that’s not the case, but I know it could be a reality.  My hope is that someday, you will read these letters.  That someday, you will reach out to me.  That someday, you might see my side of things, and realize that not everything was my fault.  I hope someday, that you’ll want a relationship with your father.  I always wanted more of a relationship with my father, and I never got to tell him that.  My hope is that we can someday have the relationship that my dad and I never got to have.  A relationship filled with honesty, love, and respect, where we are free to feel safe and express our deepest fears and concerns.  A relationship where we can speak candidly about things, and speak our truths, no matter how difficult they may be. A relationship where forgiveness will always take place, no matter what.  A relationship filled with unconditional support.  I know a relationship like the one I speak of will take many years to cultivate.  I know it will take years of hard work on my part.  But I want you to know that I always have been, and always will be, willing to put in the time, effort, and work to make that relationship a reality.  I love you both with all my heart.  I will stop at nothing to be a part of your lives again.  And if you never want anything to do with me ever again, I will accept that, and always hold a very special place in my heart for both of you.  

    Now, back to the timeline of events. We were nearing the end of July 2021, and the court date for the move away request and sale of the home was fast approaching.  My attorney would be representing me on the home, but not the move away request.  I prepared thoroughly for that hearing, detailing every reason I did not think it was a good idea for you guys to move away.  I did not want you guys to be further away from me, as I felt you needed your father in your lives.  I knew that most of your family, even though you couldn’t see half of them, lived close to you.  I knew that you were at a good school, and that you had friends here.  I knew you had good medical care here, and a great doctor.  Also, I went through a big move like that as a child, and I know how difficult it was for me.  I didn’t want you boys to have to go through that.  I felt that with all the inconsistencies happening in your lives, I wanted there to be some consistencies for you guys; and not moving away was one of them.  

    Shockingly, a week before the hearing, I was notified by your mother’s attorney that she dropped the move away request.  I was relieved to know that you guys would not be moving to Folsom.  It was one less thing I had to worry about.  Now, the only thing being decided at the hearing was the house.  I was incredibly nervous leading up to the hearing.  The hearing took place virtually, via Zoom, like all the previous hearings.  I saw your mother in the virtual courtroom; she looked so angry.  Her attorney’s demeanor and body language reminded me of a vicious pitbull--ready to attack.  My attorney was calm, cool, and collected.  She was a former teacher, and a very genuine and endearing person.  Your mother’s attorney spoke first.  She cited some law that was enacted in the 1970’s which stated that when a person was abused by their partner, they would be entitled to stay in the family home, until the youngest child turns 18.  I’m sure the law was fair when it was enacted, and benefitted many people along the way.  Problem is, it didn’t apply to our situation and the judge knew it.  My lawyer presented our side of the case, which was just factual information.  She explained how your mother did not hold up her end of the divorce agreement, and that the only just and fair outcome for both parties was the sale of the home.  The judge agreed, and for the first time in this whole fiasco, ruled in my favor.  I was in shock.  I honestly did not expect to hear a ruling in my favor.  Your mother was very upset, and turned her camera off when the judge didn’t rule in her favor.  Maybe, just maybe, she had felt a small fraction of the pain that I had felt for the past year.  To be honest, this really was a victory for everyone, even if your mother couldn’t see it that way at the moment.  Both your mother and I had racked up tremendous debt paying legal fees, and the money we made from the sale of the home would help eradicate the debt.  The money from the home would allow both of us to get back on our feet financially, and start over.  The money we would receive from the sale of the home was the type of money neither your mother or I had ever seen before.  It would help both of us give you guys the type of financial stability that you deserved.  The type of financial stability that I never had as a child.  I had made a promise that with the money from the house, I would set aside a large sum for each of you, to pay for college, or any other endeavors you wish to pursue.  I held true to my promise, and have money set aside for each of you.  

    As sweet as this victory was for me, I had no idea how it made either of you feel.  I wanted to reach out to you guys and ask you.  I wanted to explain the truth to you, and reassure you that everything would be ok.  If you were sad to leave the house, it would have pained me deeply.  However, again, I knew that as difficult as that might be for you guys, that it was in your best interest.  Or maybe, I thought, you guys were excited at the possibility of a fresh start.  With the money your mom would make on the house, I knew she could rent you guys a really nice home.  Also, for as many good memories we shared in that house, I knew there were some awful ones as well, so I figured it was a good thing you wouldn’t have to relive the bad memories by staying in the house.  You guys deserved a fresh start as well.  No matter how you were feeling, I was sad I wasn’t able to be there for you; to support you through what could have been a difficult time.  I always took you guys into account, with every decision I ever made; I still do.  You are always in my thoughts, in my heart, and in my mind.  I have missed you every second of every day since the ex-Parte was filed, and I still do today.  

Love, 

Dad