12/30/22

Dear O and C,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  I missed you so much on Christmas day.  This is the third Christmas I’ve been without you.  It’s been far too long.  I am so torn and conflicted about the process we’re going through.  On one hand, I am happy and grateful that we get to see each other once a week, through reunification therapy.  On the other hand, the process has already taken such a toll on me and it’s so painfully slow. I wish there was some way to speed up the process.  However, I know the damage I’ve caused and the damage your mother has caused, is going to take a long time to heal from.  I know I have to exercise the most extortionary patience I’ve ever had to exercise in my life.  Exercising patience is something I’m very accustomed to now.  However, it doesn’t make the process any easier.  I wish I could describe to you the pain I feel every day, when I think about how much I miss you.  I’ve never experienced any hurt like this in my life.  They say, an elephant can die from a broken heart.  There are days when I think a human can too.  I’ve made tremendous progress in terms of how I view and respond to this situation.  However, I still cry many days at the thought of losing the two of you.  I worry that no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much work I’ve done on myself; that it still won’t be good enough for you.  I fear that the two of you will never forgive me, and that you’ll banish me from your lives forever.  And I know all too well, that that is a real possibility, as my cousins did that to their father.  It’s been fifteen years since they have talked to him.  I can only imagine the heartbreak my uncle must feel.  I now know how much it hurts, and how real the pain is.  I share the same pain with my uncle.  Yes, I see the two of you once a week, or sometimes once every two weeks, depending on the calendar, and I am so appreciative of the time we share together.  However, I want more time with the two of you.  I’ve already missed out on so much of your lives.  I don’t want to miss out on any more.  I’m still flabbergasted that we cannot talk on the phone, or write emails or letters to each other.  It’s so hard trying to make it a full week, not knowing anything that’s happening in your day to day lives.  The little time we do get to spend together, I am only able to conjure up a small glimpse of how your week was.  It’s hard knowing the right questions to ask.  It’s hard trying to say all the right things, without overstepping your boundaries, or putting my foot in my mouth.  And I know, if we talk about a topic you are not comfortable with, or talk about something that brings up feelings of anger, sadness, or resentment, that I will have to wait a full week to try and make things right again.  I know this has been so very hard on the two of you.  Believe me when I tell you, I almost did not make it to see the day when we would be given a second chance at reunification.  I am so thankful that I did.  I am proud of myself for persevering.  I’m proud of myself for not giving up.  I’m proud of myself for consistently pursuing our relationship, and continuing to fight for us.  I hope that someday you will see my persistence, my resilience, and that you will be proud of me for it.  I hope that someday, all of the work we are putting into our relationship now will pay off for us.  I hope that someday you are able to trust me again.  

I have to tell you what a great joy it was to be able to give you your Christmas gifts.  It’s been almost three years since I’ve been able to give you anything.  As I’ve mentioned before, giving you anything had previously been labeled as “love-bombing” by your mother.  Trust me, that is absolutely the last thing I was thinking of when buying you gifts.  I simply wanted to show my love and appreciation towards you.  The gifts I was attempting to give you were small, stuffed animals and such.  If I was “love bombing” you, I would have bought you a Sony Play-station or an xbox.  The gifts I have bought for you over the years have been small and from the heart.  They are gifts that I feel have meaning, like a stuffed animal of your favorite animal, or a book, or a framed picture of the three of us.  I even painted pictures for each of you with the sun setting because you are both my sunshine.  R bought you a hand painted wooden picture, with both of your names on it, explaining how important brothers are to each other.  I bought you a hand painted sign, with the “You are my Sunshine '' song lyrics on it, because that’s the song I used to sing to you.  It’s the same song my mom used to sing to me when I was a child.  I made you a dreamcatcher out of a bike chain, a gear, and feathers, to ward off any bad dreams if you are ever able to stay at my house again.  I’ve added all of these things to your room.  Your room is full of sentimental gifts and gestures that are very meaningful.  It’s very difficult not having been able to give you guys any of this stuff, or even having been able to show you.  I’ve spent every day the last two and half years either doing something for you or something to remind me of you.  Your heart, your spirit, your memory, your love is what kept me going most days.  Not having you in person, not feeling your touch, not hearing your words, not seeing your beautiful faces, hearing your laugh, kissing your foreheads, feeling your warm embrace, has been the most difficult thing in the world.  Every day, I had to have faith that one day, I would get to see you again.  And finally, that day is upon us.  

However, there is no easy road ahead of us.  There is no road map to show us how to heal, and how to repair our relationship.  It’s going to take time, and patience, and faith, and a whole lot of help from our therapist.  It’s going to take effort on all of our parts.  It’s going to take resilience, and commitment from all of us.  It’s going to take trust.  Above all else, it’s going to take love.  These are all things I’m committed to providing, and receiving when possible.  

So, back to the gifts.  For Christmas, I was able to give you each a baseball glove, a ball with a written message from me, a pack of baseball cards, Cracker Jacks, bubble gum, sunflower seeds, and Red Vines; a baseball themed gift if you may.  A lot of thought went into this gift.  First off, I know C played fall baseball, because you guys told me.  Also, O said he wanted to play baseball again in the spring.  I wanted to get you something very nice, that you could use often.  Something that you could use together.  Something you could use outside, and have fun doing.  So, I decided on baseball gloves.  I researched a lot of gloves, and read a lot of reviews.  I even consulted your cousin, and got his feedback on which gloves were best.  So, buying and giving you these gifts was something I put a lot of thought and effort into, and something that I took a lot of pride in.  When you opened the gifts, I was pleasantly surprised at how excited you were to receive the gifts.  I knew you would like them, but seeing your faces light up was the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten.  Immediately you wanted to go outside and play catch; something I wasn’t expecting.  First, the two of you began to play catch.  I was impressed at how well you could each catch, and throw a baseball.  Then, I asked to borrow each of your gloves, so I could play catch with the both of you.  I am not kidding you when I say, for me, it felt like a scene out of the movie, “Field of Dreams;'' one of my all-time favorite movies by the way.  I used to cry when I watched that movie, because all I ever wanted when I was a kid was to have a catch with my dad.  It never happened.  I always longed for that moment with my father; for that connection. The fact that I was able to have that moment, that connection, with you boys, meant the absolute world to me.  It’s something I will cherish, and never forget, for as long as I live.  So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you both so very much for that. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.  If I don’t write to you before Monday, then have a very happy New Year!  I am very much looking forward to our first visit of 2023!

Love,

Dad