11/29/22

Dear O and C,

    It’s been a while since I’ve written to you.  Partially because I have been seeing you in therapy every week, and partially because I’ve been very busy with work.  Things have been difficult in therapy lately.  We’ve had some very tough conversations.  O, you especially have shared with me that you don’t trust me, and you never want to trust me.  C, I asked you if you felt the same way, and you said yes.  O, you also shared with me that you did not want to participate in reunification therapy and you were only doing it because the court forced you to.  C, you agreed with this sentiment as well.  I totally understand your frustration and anger towards me.  I’m sure you feel as though I abandoned you.  I can assure you, that throughout this process, I’ve done absolutely everything in my power to see you, and to be a good dad for you.  I’m not perfect, and I definitely made some mistakes along the way.  However, I’m only human, and that’s to be expected.  Therapy has been bittersweet.  On one hand, I’m so grateful and thankful I get to see you boys.  On the other hand, it pains me to know how you feel right now, and that I caused you so much hurt.  I can assure you; it wasn’t only me who caused you hurt and pain.  Your mother is solely responsible for making this a court issue, which has been so painful, costly, and difficult to navigate.  Your memories of me drinking too much, and being abusive towards you are true and valid.  However, I was not the only one who was abusive towards you.  Part of the reason I could no longer stay married to your mother was because I was uncomfortable with the way she treated you boys, and me as well. In fact, looking back, I was uncomfortable with the way she treated most people. She yelled and screamed, and used foul language towards all of us. She constantly threatened to call the cops on the two of you, and have you arrested.  She grabbed you by the arm, and dragged you across the house to put you in time-outs.  One time, O, you were so hungry and she brought you McDonalds. She threw it on the ground for you and yelled, “There! Are you happy now?” She was out of control.  The two of us were terrible together, and we had no business being married.  

    Although your feelings and memories of me are valid, there is no doubt your thoughts, memories, and feelings have been heavily influenced by your mother.  There is absolutely no way you would have only negative memories of me, and no positive memories with me, unless you had been brainwashed, which is common with parental alienators.  There is absolutely no way you would only have positive memories of your mother, and no negative memories of her.  However, I understand she has had full custody of you, and you are just doing what you have to do to survive.  O, during therapy, you won’t let go of the idea that I should turn myself in to the police.  What you don’t understand is that your mom already filed a police report against me.  No charges were ever brought against me, and the case was dropped by the District Attorney.  There is a reason for that.  Again, I messed up, but at no time did I ever commit any offense against either of you that would have been an arrestable offense.  At times, I was a terrible dad.  I’m deeply sorry for all of the harmful things I did to you.  There are things I did that I wish I could take back.  I have many regrets.  But I also know that I always loved the both of you with all of my heart.  Although you don’t see it now, and I don’t blame you, I hope that someday you can realize that I didn’t always do everything wrong.  There were times when I was a very good father to the two of you.  Most of the time, I acted with your best interest at heart.  I always did everything I could for the two of you.  I protected you.  I advocated for you.  I kept you healthy and well nourished.  I made sure you never went without.  I spent nearly all of my free time nurturing and caring for you, from the day you were both born.  I’ll never regret any of that.  I am still thankful for the years I did get to spend being your dad.  We had a lot of good times, and made a lot of good memories.  Someday, I hope you’re able to reflect on those good memories, and forgive me for the bad ones.  I promise you I will keep at this until we get it right.  I refuse to give up on the two of you.  It’s my life’s mission to heal, and rebuild our relationship.  I will do whatever it takes.  It’s my goal to earn back your trust, and your love.  The two of you deserve to have a father in your lives, and I intend to be just that. I’m 425 days sober today, and I promise you, I will never have another sip of alcohol again in my life.  That is a change I will always be grateful for, and the two of you helped me accomplish that. I love you boys very much, and I will always be your dad.  I will always be here for you, no matter what, in any capacity you’ll allow me to be.  


Love always,

Dad

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