06/27/23

Dear O and C,

When I first began writing you these letters, I never envisioned that I would still be writing them over a year later.  I thought by now we would have reunited and healed, and that I would be seeing you and speaking to you more frequently.  These letters were only supposed to fill the void of me actually getting to talk and spend time with you.  Well, I continue to write to you because aside from the 30 minutes per week I get to spend with each of you, I have no other recourse when it comes to communicating to you.  Writing these letters to you has also been very therapeutic for me.  It has become a way for me to feel closer to you.  Whether you ever have a chance to read them or not, it has been my only means of expressing my truth to you.  I thought by now, that these letters would have had a conclusion; a happy ending if you will.  However, I now understand that there will never be a conclusion when it comes to us and our relationship.  It will always be a work in progress. But, that’s life, I suppose.  I have no idea how things will turn out between us, and that’s ok with me.  

I am, however, ready to conclude these letters for now.  I’m at a place in my life where I have finally found a bit of peace, and I want to hold onto that for a while.  There is no forgetting or erasing the horrific terror and pain I’ve suffered over the last three years. Ex-Partes and countless, lengthy declarations filed on your mothers behalf.  The cops calling and accusing me  of things that never happened. CPS reports filed and CPS showing up at my door. The process-servers waiting for me at my home to serve me with more papers, the attempted restraining orders filed, the private investigators sorting through my trash, the social media attacks, the firing of supervised visitation workers for no reason, the backstabbing behavior from my co-workers, the smiling in my face when I know you shared information about me with my ex-wife, the threatening phone calls from your mothers attorney, the attempts to get me fired from my job, the venom and lies and hatred spewed towards me by your mothers attorney’s during court hearings, the constant bills I have to pay surrounding this mess, and much much more.  I won’t miss any of that, and I hope some of those aforementioned events will never happen again.  I’m ready to put all of that in my rear view mirror.  I’m ready to move on with my life.  I’ve come to grips with the fact that moving on with my life might have to occur without the two of you; and as painful as that will be, I’ve accepted it.  I’ve accepted the fact that right now, in this current state, it might be easier for the two of you to move on with your lives without me; and if that is the truth, I’m ready to honor it. I will never ever give up on either of you.  I will, however, navigate this process in a way that is the least harmful and painful for the two of you.  That is how much I love, care about, and respect you.  I understand you have a new reality now; one that doesn’t include me.  I also know that in some weird way, you are being cared for and looked after.  You are having successes, and continue to grow both physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Although I strongly believe you would be better suited with me in your lives, I can take a small amount of comfort in knowing that, at least for now, you will be ok without me.  

I blame four people for the fact that I do not have any relationship with the two of you.  First and foremost, I blame your mother.  She is the one who filed the initial Ex-Parte and got lawyers and the family court system involved.  I can still hear her saying clear as day in October of 2019, “Don’t worry, whatever happens, I will never take your children away from you.” That was when we were going through the process of divorce.  I wish I had known what she was really planning on doing. I might not have been able to change anything, but at least I would have been more prepared for what was to come.  Your mother gas lit me.  She made all of these promises to put my mind at ease, which caused me to put my guard completely down.  During the first year after our divorce, she would tell me how proud of me she was and how she thought we were doing such a great job of co-parenting together.  I’ll never forget the last time she picked the two of you up from our apartment.  I asked how she was doing.  She replied in almost a sinister way, “I’m great; it’s all coming together for me.”  I thought to myself, “What in the world is she talking about,” but I didn’t really want to know, so I didn’t ask.  Now, reflecting back, it’s very obvious what she was referring to. I also blame your mother because after the initial filing of the Ex Parte, she had the ability to allow me to make the necessary changes and not interject herself in the process. However, she made the conscious choice, each and every day for nearly three years, to ensure that I would never be successful in healing my relationship with you.  

I also blame your mother’s two evil, vindictive, deceitful, terroristic, money-hungry, power-thirsty, bullyish, attorneys: T.A. and A.A.  They are two of the worst people on the face of the earth.  They practice law under the guise of helping battered women and victims of abuse.  However, what they really do is tear families apart and empower the real abuser to keep hurting those around them.  They ruin any hopes, dreams, or aspirations of any divorced couple ever having any sense of normalcy or cohesiveness as a separated family. They lie, cheat, steal, make false accusations, file false reports with the court, make threats, and run up exorbitant amounts of money. None of this is in the name of justice, but in the name of injustice.  There is a special place in hell for people like them. 

Finally, I blame judge R.H.  She made the rash decision to take you away from me with little to no evidence of any abuse ever taking place.  The only thing she had to go on was your mother’s word, and a few transcribed videos your mother took of me when I was drunk and yelling at her.  However, not even the videos tell the whole side of the story.  I will never absolve myself for my wrongdoings and the mistakes I made.  However, oftentimes your mother would incite me, and rile me up to the point where I was inconsolable.  After she would get me to my breaking point, she began recording me. In fact, a couple of years ago, I found a video on my laptop from her iPhone, which showed her recording me, but instead of it being edited to show her doing nothing wrong, you can hear her harassing and demeaning me, even when I asked to be left alone. Of course, this made me even more mad, which caused me to become irate.  I would yell and scream at her, hurl profanities at her, call her names, and attack her character.  All the while, she knew to keep quiet, as to not record any evidence of her behaving poorly.  This is not an accurate reflection of our fights.  Your mother was just as vile towards me.  She would yell and scream at me too, call me names, and insult my character.  The only difference was, I never filmed her doing it.  I’ll never regret not doing that; it’s not the type of person I am.  So, Judge R.H., after hearing minimal evidence against me, virtually, via a computer screen, for not even five minutes, made the decision to remove the two of you from my care.  That is injustice.  I never stood a chance.  She had her mind made up before the hearing even began.  She was clearly on a mission, and had a point to prove; and I’m the one who would suffer from her brash, irrational decision.  I hope this decision haunts her for the rest of her life.  She is clearly a soulless human being, if she can decide the fate of my life and my relationship with you two in the manner that she did.  

For all of the other people who aided and abetted your mother in the process of alienating the two of you from me, I could care less about them.  They are not even a blip on my radar.  They are so far outside the scope of my realm; they don’t even exist to me.  I do however believe in karma.  Everyone gets what’s coming to them.  No one is exempt from karma.  What goes around, always comes back around.  I do believe, in the depths of my soul, that I have suffered immensely for my mistakes.  I have suffered the wrath of karma.  I have paid dearly for my sins.  I have paid my dues, and it’s time for me to move on.  For the rest of those individuals, however, who believed my ex-wife’s story, and not mine; you will get what’s coming to you.  They will suffer the way I did, but for longer, because they have never owned up for their part.  They have never owned up for intruding into my personal life, upholding the lies told by my ex-wife, or failing to act when they knew right from wrong.  They will get justice served to them one way or another.  

O and C, I want you to know that you are completely innocent in all of this.  Nothing that has happened regarding my divorce from your mother or this custody battle is your fault.  You two are the biggest victims in all of this.  I love you no matter what.  I will never blame you for anything.  Even if you choose to never speak to me again, I wouldn’t blame you for it. You have been put through a lot at such a young age, and I know, any actions you take, are simply a means of survival.  I applaud you for your strength and resilience throughout all of this.  It will pay off some day.  These events, as tragic as they are, will help to shape you and your character.  They will help to define you.  It is my hope that you are someday able to use this trauma and pain that has been thrust upon you, in a positive way.  There is no doubt in my mind that the two of you will go on to impact the world in a beautiful and loving way.  You both have kind hearts, and loving souls, and I see your desire to create good in this world.  Whether you go on to achieve success because of me, or in spite of me, I will be proud of you no matter what.  Don’t ever let anyone put your fire out.  

There are a few positives that have come from all of this.  The first is that I am sober.  I’ve been sober for 604 days.  Alcohol never contributed towards my life in any positive way.  More often than not, alcohol accelerated my anger and put me in a negative and somber state of mind.  I don’t miss drinking at all, and I am forever grateful for my sobriety.  I don’t think I ever would have gotten sober had it not been for this horrific custody battle.  I got sober for the two of you, in hopes that one day, I would be able to show you the real version of who I am.  So I thank you for that.  Second, my anger.  I have gotten my anger completely under control.  I have not had an anger outburst or anger related incident in 436 days.  I’ve learned new methods for how to deal with my feelings of anger or aggression.  I’ve learned and am able to use coping strategies in order to deal with my feelings of sadness, anger, and frustration.  I am finally able to name my feelings, and deal with them appropriately, in a way that will not cause hurt or harm to anyone.  None of this would have happened if I was not forced to take a good hard look in the mirror and do some serious reflecting.  And for that, I am grateful.  Finally, I am able to be in a healthy relationship with my wife.  I did a terrible job of demonstrating to the two of you what a healthy relationship should look like when I was married to your mother.  I even did a poor job of showing you what a healthy relationship should look like, when I was first dating my current wife, R.  However, through years of hard work, I am finally able to say that I am a good partner.  I am a kind and loving husband and father.  I am more respectful now and cognizant of other people’s feelings.  I am more patient.  I am more trustworthy.  I am more accepting of other people’s faults and shortcomings, I am more understanding of others, I am able to forgive others, and I am able to forgive myself as well.  

I am by no means perfect, or even close to it.  Despite all of the growth I have made, I still have a lot of work to do.  I am accepting of that, and I look forward to the journey. O and C, I hope that someday you are able to find it in your hearts to forgive me.  I hope that someday, I am able to be a father to you once again.  I hope that someday, I am able to show you the man I have become.  I have never stopped loving you, and I never will.  I will always be here for you, no matter what.  I love you both with all of my heart. Signing off for now.  


Love,

Dad



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