06/13/23



Dear O and C,

C, today’s therapy session with you was by far the hardest session we’ve had so far.  You reiterated that you “hate me.”  You said, “you never want to see me again.”  You also called me, “the devil,” and said that by forcing you to come to these therapy sessions I was, “ruining your life.”  You also said that I abused you every day, and that we never had a good day together.  I am having to come to the very harsh reality that my truth and my memories don’t matter whatsoever when it comes to our relationship.  The only thing that matters is your truth, and your memories. Your truth right now, is that you hate me, and you don’t ever want to see me again, and that is incredibly difficult to cope with.

I’m not sure what to do with that information.  On one hand, I want to be respectful of your wishes and end therapy.  However, I don’t think that would solve your problems.  I think right now it’s easy to use me as a scapegoat, and blame me for all your problems. I don’t blame you for that, though. I am so very sorry for my involvement in the struggles you are going through right now.  I am deeply saddened by all of the negative feelings and emotions you are experiencing right now.  We both cried a lot during therapy.  All I wanted to do was hug you, but I couldn’t.  You no longer want to hug me.  As a matter of fact, you don’t even shake my hand anymore.  We have minimal to no connection right now.  The point of therapy is for us to reconnect, and in fact, the opposite is happening.  It’s driving us apart even further.  There is no worse feeling in the world to know that you caused your son so much pain, and there is nothing you can do to fix it.  As a matter of fact, the more I try, the more pain I seem to cause.  I show up.  I pour my heart out to you.  I apologize to you; and you’re not in a position to receive any of it.  It’s not your fault; but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I asked what can I do to earn your trust back, and, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me.  You told me, you will never trust me and that you will never forgive me.  

Also, I fear that if I discontinue therapy now, even though that is your wish, that it will be held against me someday.  You might tell me that, once again, I quit on you, and I’m not sure I am willing to take that risk.  

My other option is to continue therapy, knowing full well, that it is causing you to suffer.  Knowing that it is causing you debilitating fear, and anxiety, surrounding our sessions.  I would never want to cause you any pain.  Ironically, I have already caused you all the pain in the world.  I’m torn because I know this is my last shot.  If we quit therapy now, that’s it.  There will be no other opportunity for us to reconnect.  The only chance would be that you would reach out to me when you are 18; that is in 8 years.  I’m also torn because I’ve worked so very hard to earn the right to have reconnection therapy.  If I throw in the towel, that means all the work I did to earn back the right to see you, was for nothing.  Ultimately, I’m going to do what I feel is in the best interest of you and your brother; because from day 1, the two of you and your well-being is all I’ve ever cared about.  Right now however, I’m inclined to continue therapy until the court orders that I no longer can.  If and when that happens, I will accept my fate.  

O, our session went a lot smoother.  You asked me why C was so upset, and I told you.  You seemed to accept my response.  You informed me that you are no longer a vegetarian.  You also informed me that you are going to most likely attend public school, and not let your mom homeschool you.  I couldn’t be happier to hear about both of those things.  O, I will always accept you for who you are, no matter what.  However, I truly believe you need meat in your diet.  You are small for your age and underweight.  Not consuming enough protein in your diet, especially at your age, can have detrimental and long-lasting negative health impacts.  So, I am extremely happy about your decision to eat meat.  I am also very excited that you are choosing to attend a public middle school.  I am obviously a public school teacher, and a public school advocate, and I don’t believe you can receive a well-rounded education from being home schooled.  Attending a public school is a holistic approach to education, and that is what I believe will set you up to have the most successful future.  At an in person public school you will; make new friends, have the opportunity to play sports, have the opportunity to play music, go on field trips, have a variety of new experiences (some good, and some bad), experience different teachers, learn coping skills and strategies, etc.  I believe this is the right decision for you, and I’m very happy it’s a decision you made.  

Our time together might be very limited, as our next court date is fast approaching.  We will only have had six visits total, since the last court date, and the judge thinks that will give her enough information to decide the fate of our relationship forever. However, we were supposed to have more, but there have been many cancellations.  Regardless, the family court system is a broken system, and I am sorry that you, your brother, and me have all been victims of it.  I love you very much, and I am sorry for all of the pain and harm I have caused you.  I hope that someday you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.


Love,

Dad

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