04/23/23



Dear O and C,

Most of the time I write to you to let you know what’s going on in my life, or to tell you how I’m feeling, or ask how you’re feeling, rhetorically.  However, once in a while, I am truly compelled to write to you about something specific.  It’s like a calling, a manifest destiny that has to be fulfilled.  Well, today is one of those days.  My day started out simple enough.  Woke up, fed the baby, changed the baby, made some coffee, and nestled in on the couch to watch some TV.  I settled on a Netflix film about Whitney Houston, called, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.”  I’ve always liked Whitney, and I wanted to learn more about her life, and her tragic ending.  The movie is really good so far, I’m a little over half way.  At about the halfway mark, my watch party took a detour.  The song, “I will always love you,” came on.  It’s such a beautiful song.  However, it’s a song that brings up a lot of emotions for me.  As a matter of fact, I’ve avoided listening to the song for 30 years.  Let me explain.  When I was in middle school, the movie, “The Bodyguard,” had just come out.  The movie featured Whitney Houston, and had several of her songs on the soundtrack.  One of the songs being, “I will always love you.”  The song made me cry to begin with, as it was played during a very emotional scene in the movie.  However, it was also a very popular slow song at the time, and was played at all the middle school dances.  

This brings me to the next chapter of my story.  During this time, I had the biggest crush on a girl.  Her name was LC.  She was so beautiful, smart, kind, and caring.  In my eyes, she was flawless.  She was truly my first love.  The problem was, I was not hers.  I wanted so bad to date LC, but she was perfectly content just being my friend.  So, at a middle school dance, I worked up the courage to ask her to dance.  I planned it out ahead of time, what song I would ask her to dance to.  It was obvious; “I will always love you,” by Whitney Houston.  I was so excited.  Then, the moment came.  I was in the perfect position in that old middle school gym.  LC was in my line of sight.  Four fast songs had just been played, so I knew a slow song was approaching.  Then it happened.  The song came on; “And I will always love you.”  I raced over to LC, but it was too late.  Someone else had beat me to the punch.  She was already dancing with another boy.  I played it off cool, but inside, I was heartbroken.  It was at that moment, I knew I would never have LC as my girlfriend.  From then on, I also realized that I wouldn’t have any of the girls I had crushes on, as my girlfriends.  I would be passed up, and put in the friend zone by all of them.  I was different.  I wasn’t the typical rich kid from the perfect family.  Far from it.  I was the poor kid, from the broken home, who lived with his grandparents.  I wasn’t the type of boy these girls were looking for.  I had accepted my fate, and focused on sports, and my friendships.  It wasn’t long after that, I was off to high school, where I would soon realize, there were many, many more fish in the sea.  My eyes were open to a whole new world of girls, and dating.  I realized, while I may not be able to have the girl of my dreams, I could have plenty of other girls who would fit the bill just fine.  A new version of me had been born.  I let the soft, romantic version of myself go, in favor of a new, bad-boy type of identity.  It was working out just fine for me.  

On to the next saga of my story, “the Irony.” In Junior college, my brother and I took a philosophy class together.  Although we didn’t understand everything the teacher was talking about, we loved it.  Most of the teachings were over our heads, because we had not yet experienced enough of life, to be able to comprehend and relate.  The professor would always ask, “Do you see the Irony in this?”  We were thinking at the time, “what the hell is this guy talking about?”  Irony in what?  What does irony have to do with any of this?  Fast forward 30 years, I finally understand the true meaning of irony, and how it relates to life.  You see, the same girl I was in love with 30 years ago, well, she is my attorney now.  I hadn’t spoken to, seen, or heard from LC since high school, 25 years ago. She is the one who is helping me to get back my relationship with you guys.  And while it never worked out for LC and I, and I never got to love her the way I wanted to; she was helping me to get you boys back, and re-establish our love for each other.  And while I realize that even with LC’s best efforts, and mine, you may still never love me again, the way you once did.  One thing is for sure though, “I will always love you.”  And, in a way, I will always love LC as well.  For the way she helped shape my life when I was young, to the way she is helping me now with the greatest mission I’ve ever embarked upon.  They say, it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all; and I believe it.  I have loved and lost many times.  Losing you two was my greatest loss of all, by far.  However, I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for the time and love we got to spend and share together.  Many of my greatest moments in life involve the two of you, and I will cherish those memories forever.  

So here we are, 30 years after that song came out; I’m still emotional, I still suffer loss, I still cry.  I’m not above any of that.  Nobody is.  However, I’m grateful that I am in a place now, where I can feel my emotions.  I can sit with them, I can cry, and then, I can be ok.  I listened to the whole song during the movie, I cried at the thought of losing the two of you.  However, I pressed pause, to take CS on a walk, and did some reflecting on my life.  All of my decisions, and how they led me to this place.  All of my ups and downs.  All of the bumps in the road.  I realized something.  I realized that I’m not perfect.  Neither are the two of you.  Nobody is.  However, I took great comfort in knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Everything that has happened in my life, was supposed to happen, so I could be the man I am today.  It was God’s plan.  It still is, and always will be.  Sometimes, there’s not a darn thing we can do about it, except hang on, and enjoy the ride.  This gave me great comfort, knowing that God has a plan for the two of you as well, and you’re following his plan.  You are on his journey.  And someday, it will lead you exactly where you need to go.  That’s all for now.  


Love,

Dad

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