04/13/23

Dear O and C,

I want to thank you for opening up to me during our last therapy session.  C, you went first.  You shared with me that you were anxious about the idea of having to live with me again someday.  I was able to assure you that you would never have to spend any time with me if you didn’t want to.  I was also able to assure you that any contact we did have, would be monitored by a therapist or supervisor.  We also talked about how we were going to navigate this process on your terms, and move forward at a pace you were comfortable with.  I asked if knowing this eased your mind and you assured me that it did.  You also shared with me that since our therapy sessions began, I had earned a little bit of your trust back.  Hearing that meant a lot to me.  

I want to clear the air about something else.  Apparently, you shared with your individual therapist that you, “didn’t like how I was living such a great life,” and that, “you wanted to live a great life too.”  C, let me start by telling you, I’ve lived anything but a great life the past three years.  The past three years have been by far the most difficult three years of my life.  Again, I can’t reiterate or explain the pain it caused to have you and your brother ripped out of my arms, and out of my life.  Unless a parent has been through what I have been through, there is no way to convey the amount of pain it causes.  Again, it’s not like I was some dead-beat dad either.  I was the primary caretaker of you and your brother, in many aspects.  I loved you both with all of my heart.  You were my world.  Having you taken from me left a void in my heart and my soul, that will never be filled.  So, the great life I have been living, is more like, I’ve just been trying to survive.  Oh, and while suffering all of this pain, I also was able to get sober, and manage my anger; neither of which were small or easy tasks’. 

Yes, I’ve had a few triumphs.  I got married to the woman of my dreams.  We went on a honeymoon to Hawaii.  We recently added a new addition to our family, our son, your half-brother, CS.  So yes, I’ve had a few victories as well.  I can’t put my life on hold just because I’m dealing with this hellacious, never ending, onslaught of attacks by your mother.  I will continue living my life to the very best of my ability.  That is not to rub anything in your face, or make you feel less important.  That is to show you that your father is an incredibly strong, persistent, patient, and diligent individual, capable of providing you with an equally incredible life, should you ever give me the chance.  All of the work I’ve done bettering myself as a human being has been for you, R, and CS.  The four of you are now my life, and I would do anything for any of you.  Also, it should not go unnoticed that all of the sports camps, field trips, sports leagues you and your brother have gotten to take part in were paid for by me.  Your braces, your glasses, your therapy sessions, all partially paid for by me as well.  So, although I’m not able to contribute directly to you, in terms of trying to give you the best life possible, I’m doing everything I can to ensure you have a beautiful life. Also, from everything I have heard, you have gone on many vacations, enjoyed new technology, gone to camps, played on sports teams, etc. 

O, we were able to have what felt like a breakthrough moment during our therapy session.  You voiced your concerns about how I was abusive to you in the past.  You also had some memories that were just downright not true.  I could tell that your thoughts, memories, and recollections of events were manipulated by your mother.  For example, you referenced when I “abused you” during our supervised visits, which took place about a year and a half prior.  I explained to you that during one session, I grabbed your brother’s arm in order to prevent him from throwing something at you.  The supervisor wrote the incident up as being nothing more than a parenting move, and that it was not malicious whatsoever.  Your mother, however, used it in her next court declaration, referring to the incident as “abuse,” which is obviously where you picked up that language.  You also stated that was not the only “abusive” incident that took place during the supervised visits, and that other incidents were “erased” from the reports.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  I read all of the supervised visitation reports, and if you want, you can too, one day.  They were so thorough, and detailed every single event that took place during our visits down to the second.  There is no way anything could have been missed in the reports.  It would also be illegal for a supervisor, or anyone else for that matter, to alter or erase information in the reports.  Again, it should be noted that your mother is the one who chose the supervised visitation company.  When she read a report she didn’t like from the first supervisor, she had her fired.  She hand-picked the second supervisor, and then proceeded to complain about the second supervisor in her court declarations.  You should know, your mother is a proven liar, and has absolutely no ground to stand on.  She has contradicted herself so many times, and on so many issues, throughout this case, it has been nothing short of nauseating.  I feel bad for you O, because I’m already beginning to see signs of dishonesty from you, ones that obviously you have inherited from your mother.  Life is not favorable to those who lie, and oftentimes, there are repercussions as a result of dishonesty.  

O, the second incident you brought up was during one of our original supervised visits.  It was just before Christmas 2020.  This visit took place at my house.  We had our Christmas tree set up and presents under the tree.  There were presents there for you and your brother.  I wasn’t going to bring it up, but you asked me about them.  I told you, some of the presents were for you, and that you would be able to open them once I had custody of you again.  Keep in mind, as per the supervised visitation rules, I was not allowed to give you any gifts whatsoever.  During our therapy session, you explained that this incident made you angry and caused you pain.  You explained how you thought I was trying to rub it in your face, that I would not be giving you any Christmas presents.  This is when I broke down and started to cry.  It was so emotional for me to explain the truth to you.  The truth is, I was so hurt by the fact that I was so limited in how I could express my love for you.  I went from having full custody of you and your brother, to having 30% custody, to having nothing.  That is quite a drastic change, and would be hard for anyone to adapt to.  I was simply trying to do my best.  I was walking a tightrope, and navigating such a fine line between following the rules of the visitation company, and still expressing my love for you. 

During therapy, we agreed that looking back on the situation, I probably shouldn’t have put any gifts under the tree.  Again, I’ll go to my grave knowing I never did anything malicious to you or your brother, and I always operated with your best intentions at heart.  You also taught me a valuable lesson during therapy.  You said dad, “you only focus on the positive memories, it wasn’t always positive for us.”  That was eye opening for me to hear.  Yes, you are right, I do tend to focus on the positive memories.  I think I do that in part to preserve those memories, and partly to protect myself from the pain of reflecting on the negative memories.  However, you are right.  I cannot grow, and we cannot heal, if I don’t focus on the negative memories as well.  You also made me realize that a hundred positive memories could be easily wiped out, with one traumatic negative memory.  I promise, that moving forward, I will do a better job of being empathetic, and seeing things from your point of view, O.  While I did a lot of good things as a parent for you, I recognize that the harm I caused, and the trauma I caused with a few very negative actions, are detrimental and could last a lifetime.  Again, the only thing I can tell you is that I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn back your trust and your forgiveness.  

On a different note, R received a call from CPS today, accusing her of having a newborn in an abusive, violent household.  Your mother called CPS and filed a false report. We knew it was your mother based on the information R received, combined with the fact that the CPS agent kept referring to her by R’s maiden name, as opposed to her new legal last name, which you now share with her, as well as me.  What your mother is doing is sick, disgusting, unconscionable, and quite frankly, psychotic.  I’ve never in my life known anyone to be so obsessed with other people’s lives.  She needs help.  What she is doing is not healthy for her, or the two of you.  With your mother spending so much time attempting to sabotage my life, I wonder how she has any time to care for the two of you.  The answer to that is: she doesn’t.  I imagine you are both incredibly neglected at home, the same way your mother neglected you when we were married.  It’s one of the reasons I wanted a divorce.  

Your mother has never in her life been able to focus on one cause, project or task for any significant amount of time.  She always put minimal effort into everything, and when things got too difficult or she realized it wasn’t going the way she wanted it to, she’d move on.  I hear it in our therapy sessions.  One week you tell me your mother is supportive of your baseball endeavors, the next week you tell me, she doesn’t care.  These sentiments have been echoed when you tell me about your schoolwork and extracurricular activities or fun events you have planned. For example, one week you told me your mother was taking you to a professional basketball game.  The next week you tell me you didn’t go to the game because your mom was busy.  I am sad to say that I know exactly what she was busy with: harassing me, my wife, and my newborn child.  Based on her actions, this has seemingly become her sole purpose in life, and apparently, the only thing she has ever deemed worthy of her time and effort. I’m sorry your mother made, and continues to make, the conscious decision to subject you both to a whirlwind of misinformation and confusion.  I hope someday that you are afforded a life of calmness, stability, and truth.  I would love to be a part of that if you’ll let me.  However, if it takes removing me from your lives to be able to achieve those things, then I can accept that.  I just hope that someday, you realize the harm your mother caused you, and that maybe your dad isn’t the evil man she made him out to be. I love you both so much.  I look forward to our next visit. 

Love,

Dad