02/24/23

Dear O and C,

How are you?  O, I’ve been thinking about you all week.  You’re at outdoor Ed!  That is so exciting, and I hope you have had a wonderful time.  I can’t wait to hear about it on Tuesday.  C, I hope you enjoyed your time alone with your mom.  You said you were going to get your nails done; I hope you got the color you wanted.  

I love you both, and I miss you very much.  This journey that we are on continues to remind me of life’s ebbs and flows.  We have a really beautiful session one week, and the next week your mother is making new accusations against me, and filing new motions.  It is abundantly clear that she continues to do everything in her power to alienate me from the two of you.  She recently filed a new motion to have our case heard by a different judge.  The only reason I can come up with is that the judge that was supposed to hear our case was a male.  She requested to have a new judge, who is a female hear our case.  Her motion was accepted.  We now have a new judge, and our court date was pushed back even further.  Your mother is doing a masterful job of ruining, postponing, interfering with our reunification process.  It absolutely amazes me that the court appeases her ridiculous requests.  It is also abundantly clear that the court in our county has placed little to no importance on reunifying fathers with their children.  Instead, it seems as though they operate the way so many other institutions do in our county with the only intention being, to avoid litigation.  I continue to be an afterthought in the eyes of the court when it comes to my right as a parent.  I get it, and I’ve accepted it.  

What I’m having trouble accepting, is after five months of reunification therapy, we have made very little progress.  The therapy sessions are conducted in more of a supervised visitation setting, as little therapy or conversation is taking place.  I bring you food, sometimes gifts if the occasion calls for it, and then we play.  Whenever I try to bring up any topic of conversation, you avoid speaking to me, or give one-word answers.  I believe you’re being coached by your mom.  I also believe that she has caused so much damage, and painted me in such a negative light, that I’m not sure if we can ever repair the harm that has been done.  It saddens me to know that what was once a relationship filled with love and joy has been diminished to nothing more than a forced thirty minute play date with dad.  There is no thank you on your end, for any of the food or gifts I bring.  There is absolutely no gratitude on your end.  There are no longer any hugs.  There is no “I love you” at the end of each visit.  It feels as though you hate me and don’t trust me.  Quite honestly, with the way things are going, I don’t see that ever changing.  

One thing is for sure, I will never give up on you.  I will never give up on us.  I will spend the rest of my life pursuing a relationship with you, and building back the trust and the love that we once shared.  

With my son on the way, I’m so torn with emotions.  On one hand, I am so excited to meet my baby boy and introduce him to the world.  On the other hand, I’m so distraught about losing the two of you, I am filled with sadness each and every day.  It’s like I lost two sons in order to gain one son.  It doesn’t seem like a fair trade. I wouldn’t have given either of you up for anything in the world.  As I told you before, when your mother and I were going through the process of divorce, she said to me, “it’s either her or us.”  Meaning, she was giving me an ultimatum.  She was saying, you either chose her (meaning my current wife), or us (meaning the two of you and your mother).  As you can plainly see now, looking back on things, that was not a fair choice. In fact, it’s a manipulative tactic by your mother.  I should have never been given that ultimatum.  It was so blatantly clear that your mother and I could not function as a couple together.  I could not be the best version of myself in that relationship.  So, I was not choosing between my current wife, and the two of you.  I was choosing between actually being able to continue on with life, or potentially not.  Yes, the circumstances were that severe and dire for me.  I chose to live.  However, I had no idea that that would mean giving up the two of you.  If that was on the table, and I knew it, I’m not sure what I would have done.  All I know is that every decision I’ve made in my life since my divorce has taken the two of you into consideration.  Since the divorce, I have always put your needs, wants, feelings, and safety at the forefront of every decision I’ve ever made; and that’s something I’m very proud of.  Even before the divorce, I tried to always put the two of you first.  I wasn’t always able to do so, given my life circumstances.  Therefore, I let alcohol and anger cloud my judgment, and get in the way of being the best father I could be to you. I am happy to report, I’ve taken care of both of those issues.  As of today, I’m 481 days sober.  I haven’t had an anger related incident since April of last year; that’s ten months.  I no longer drink alcohol, at all. I don’t feel the want or need to ever have another drink again in my life.  I am a much better version of myself when I’m sober, and I don’t ever want to go back to being a worse version of myself.  I have too much to live for; including the two of you.  I believe I have my anger under control as well.  I have learned and employed so many helpful techniques to manage my anger.  I have all the proper tools in place to ensure I never have an outburst again.  I have learned to handle life with a more calm and patient approach.  I have learned, not everything is going to go my way, and that’s ok.  I shouldn’t expect it to.  Things are going to go the way they go, and I accept that.  I understand, the only thing I really have control over, is my behavior, my attitude, and my demeanor.  To expect anything else would be foolish.  I hope the two of you continue to learn and grow every day, the same way I have.  Lifelong love and growth are the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.  


Love,

Dad

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