01/23/23

Dear O and C,

All I have is my words.  I write these letters to you to cope with the pain, and the enormity of the situation.  Never have I heard of a parent losing all access to his children, for mostly false accusations and minimal harm done.  When your mother filed the Ex-Parte, it changed the outcome of so many lives, including yours.  She took an absolute functional, respectful, and loving relationship between you two and me, and destroyed it.  And I still can’t figure out why.  It solved nothing.  It only made matters worse, more complicated, more painful, and more expensive for everyone involved, including herself.  The one thing I know to be true about your mom is that she has to be right over all else, and she will stop at nothing to prove herself right.  It’s a sickness.  If I could impart some wisdom to the both of you, it would be as follows.  Don’t let other people wrong you, or take advantage of you, but realize, most things are out of your control. Life is more about how you cope with difficult situations, not about how you can manipulate them.  If you think you have total control over any situation, you will only fail and be let down when you realize, in fact, you don’t have control over much in this life.  You do have control over yourself, your actions, and your reactions.  Be kind to people.  Be loving.  And above all else, be forgiving.  Forgive yourself if you make a mistake.  Forgive those close to you, if they make mistakes.  Not everyone deserves your forgiveness, and if someone causes you harm, it’s your decision whether you want to forgive them or not.  However, I have found that holding onto grudges and resentment is more difficult than choosing forgiveness.  Holding grudges and having resentment turns your heart black, and causes hate.  It rarely solves or helps to accomplish anything productive.  

This whole custody process is so difficult and convoluted.  We’re four months into the reunification process and we have yet to have any healing conversations because you two are so angry with me.  The counselor is telling me, “It’s ok, at least they are showing up.”  I don’t know what to make of that. I’m almost of the mindset that if you really and truly don’t want to partake in the process, then don’t.  I’m clearly not going to change your mind about what kind of person I am.  You’ve already been brainwashed by your mother.  I feel very defeated.  I have given it my all, and will continue to, but at what cost?  If we go through this whole process, and at the end of it, you decide you don’t want a relationship with me, then what was the point?  At least I’ll know I did everything in my power to rebuild a relationship with you.  At some point, you’re going to have to decide if that is something you want.  I will never force you to have a relationship with me if you don’t want to.  You’re approaching the age where you will be legally able to make that decision for yourselves.  I have a feeling your mother is launching so many grenades in my direction for just that reason.  If she can postpone this process just another two years, then you can decide for yourself O, which parent you legally want to be with.  The choice is pretty obvious.  

I have a feeling someday, when you’re older (maybe adults), you’ll look back and ask yourselves, why do we hate dad so much?  What really did he do, besides make a couple of parenting mistakes, that warranted us not wanting to have a relationship with him.  I also hope that someday you understand that your mother controlled your entire narratives, thoughts, and lives from the time we divorced, until now.  I have not had one iota of input when it comes to your lives.  I have not been able to advocate for myself, and show you the person I have become.  Instead, you hear everything second hand, from your mother, from her perspective.  She is influencing the way you think and your beliefs. It is mind control. You will resent her someday for it, I promise you.  And when you finally realize the truth, I’ll be right here waiting for you.  I will always support you, mentally, emotionally, financially, and in every way, shape and form you need me to.  Maybe you won’t need my support at all, but just know, I will always be here for you, no matter what.  There is nothing your mother can do to change that.  

It is so difficult for me to hear second hand that you’re playing sports, or how you did in your games.  I have friends who are coaching you, and they tell me how you are doing.  Do you know how hard it is for a father to hear that information from another father, who gets to watch and coach their own kids, and my kids?  Do you know how hard it is not being able to go and watch you play? It’s the most difficult thing in the world.  With everything that has happened, I’m no longer even fighting for custody.  I know how unrealistic that is.  I’m just fighting for the right to be able to see my children.  I just want to be able to go out to breakfast once in a while.  I want to watch you play baseball. I want to go on a quick bike ride, or go to the park and toss a football around.  That’s it.  You have nothing to be scared of.  You don’t ever have to come to my house.  You don’t ever have to live with me.  You don’t ever have to spend the night.  There is nothing for you to worry about.  You don’t have to worry about me showing up at your games unexpectedly; I haven’t and I won’t.  It’s been three years, and never once have I tried to see you outside of what the court has allowed.  I never will.  However, if you ever ask me to come to one of your baseball games, I wouldn’t miss it for the life of me.

Despite what your mother has told you and members of the community, there has never been a restraining order or a protective order granted against me.  Your mother attempted to file one.  She even had a police officer call me and threaten me, trying to get me to admit to things that didn’t happen, in order to have the restraining order granted.  It was not.  The District Attorney Denied it, rightfully so.  I’ve never posed any type of a threat to you or your mother and I never will.  After all of the pain and heartache your mother has put me through, I wish to have nothing to do with her.  I don’t harbor resentment towards her.  I wish her nothing but the best.  For her to believe I would go out of my way to stalk her is ludicrous and insane.  I successfully moved on with my life, and I suggest she do the same.  Matter of fact, she is the one who has incessantly stalked R and I online.  She has dug up any and every little piece of information, that has nothing to do with her by the way, and filed it in her declarations.  She seems to be obsessed with my life and doing everything in her power to harm me.  It’s sad.  Our lives have not been intertwined or related in any way, for years, and thanks to her, they never will be again.  

I told you last therapy session, that I’m having a baby boy.  You could not have cared less.  To be honest, that is the reaction I expected.  It’s such a misnomer, that men move on, and have new families, so they can forget about their old ones.  In most cases, and in my case, that could not be further from the truth.  I love you boys with all of my heart, and I always will.  My new son will never replace either of you, never.  I left a failing marriage, and a horrible relationship with your mother, because it was the right thing to do.  It had nothing to do with you boys.  In fact, your mother and I made the decision to part ways, with you two in mind.  We knew it would be best for everyone involved, and no longer wanted to subject you to fighting, yelling, and instability.  We knew that apart, we could provide you with more stability and love, from each of us.  We could finally be our best selves for you.  And that’s what I thought, mattered most.  I’ll go to my grave knowing that every decision I ever made was with the two of you, and your well-being, in mind.  After your mother and I divorced, I fell in love with a woman.  I married her, and now we are having a child together.  That doesn’t mean I’m replacing you.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have the capacity to care for you two, and my new child.  I’m here for you, and if I ever get the chance to show you, I will.  As for now, I will keep showing up to our therapy sessions, and hope that one day, we can make progress on our relationship. 

Love,

Dad