05/09/22

Dear O and C,

I lived the next month or so of my life in complete fear.  I didn’t know who I could trust.  I didn’t know who was watching me.  I was terrified that I might be formally charged with something serious and would have to stand trial based on your mothers’ alleged abuse and stalking claims.  I began to grow paranoid.  I would see a car parked out in front of my house, and wonder if it might be a private investigator hired by your mother.  Nothing seemed out of the realm at this point. Life was difficult.  I felt as though I had to live my life absolutely mistake free, which, if you’re a human being, is impossible.  

All of these situations put a tremendous amount of stress on my relationship with R.  We were hanging on by a thread.  We were attending couples counseling at this point, which was helping a little bit.  However, we had been through so much together, there were many issues to work through.  We had to learn how to trust each other again and be able to feel like we could rely on each other.  We had to learn how to love each other again.  It’s not as if we ever stopped loving each other, it’s that our love had changed due to circumstances, and we had to adjust and adapt.  We had to learn how to support one another again, through very difficult and trying circumstances.  The one thing I can say is that throughout it all we stuck by each other’s side, and remained fiercely loyal to one another.  I can say this with great confidence; if R and I were able to survive this very difficult time in our lives, then we could survive anything.  This was the ultimate test of a relationship, and we passed.  We were committed to one another, and committed to putting the time, energy, and effort into our relationship.  

I waited patiently to hear from the District Attorney.  Every time I received something in the mail, I got nervous.  I was constantly on edge, and worried that any news I received would be bad news.  I was in the process of trying to better myself as a person.  I was trying to become a better father for you guys.  I was trying to be a better partner for R.  The last thing I needed was to be convicted of a crime, and have to stand trial.  My life was complicated enough, and I was trying to simplify it; not add more complications.  

Then, one day in June, I received a letter from the District Attorney’s office.  I got home first, before R, so I decided to wait until she got home before I opened it.  When she got home, we collectively held our breath and opened it together.  We read the first line, and then the second, and then finally it read that the District Attorney would not be pressing charges.  R and I both wept with joy.  After all we had been through, it was such a relief to know that I would not have to go to court to fight these bogus claims your mother made.

C, in the midst of all of this chaos and non-sense, it was your birthday.  On May 24th, 2021, you turned 8 years old.  Happy Birthday little buddy.  I missed you so much and wanted nothing more than to be able to give you a big hug and kiss.  I wanted to be able to express to you how much I love you, and tell you how proud of you I was.  But I couldn’t.  We sent you birthday cards and letters, but via court documents, I know they were never given to you.  Grandma sent you a card and a check, which was never cashed, so you didn’t get that either. R went to your house and left presents on your doorstep—art supplies and candy. Of course, your mom soon weaponized that in a court document, too. All of my family members (and myself) desperately wanted to see you, talk to you, hug you, tell you we love you. That goes for both of you, O and C.  The fact that we had lost all contact with you was absolutely devastating.  It didn’t even seem real.  It felt like something so tragic couldn’t possibly happen to me, to us, to our family.  But what I have learned is that, in life, anything is possible.  Expect the unexpected.  Accept all things as they come to you.  And again, sometimes things that happen in life are beyond our control.  As hard as it was, I tried to believe that no matter what, someday things would get better.  Someday, I would see you again.  I still have faith, and I still believe that someday we will see each other again.  Someday, we will be reunited.  Nothing in life ever stays the same, and my only choice was to keep pressing forward, and to have faith.  

The earth never stops spinning, the sun never stops rising, the stars never cease to shine bright at nightfall.  No matter what happens, life goes on.  The next few months were strange.  The wildfires in Northern California were out of control.  Covid was spreading like wildfire.  It was such an eerie time.  It honestly felt as if the world might end; and as sad as it sounds, there were many days when I felt that I would be ok if that happened.  But again, I had no choice but to move forward and fight the good fight.  You two were, and always will be my motivation to go on in life.  You are my motivation for being the very best person I can be.  You are my motivation to be kind to others, and to put goodness into the world.  I knew that someday, I would have to be there for you in some way, whether it be 6 months, or 6 years, I had to be strong for you, and ready to answer the bell.  I had to be a rock; strong, sturdy, trustworthy, and reliable. That was my goal, to be a rock for everyone who mattered in my life.  I had always been reliable and trustworthy, but alcohol and arrogance had clouded my judgment at times.  I removed both of those from my life.  I realized that I was just one of seven billion people, and that although I was special in my own way, I was no more special than any of my fellow human beings.  I recognized that we are all the same, and that we are all in this life together; and that no one is immune to hardship.  The best things can happen to the worst people, and the worst things can happen to the best people, and oftentimes with no reason or explanation at all.  

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is acceptance; acceptance of failure, acceptance of wrong doing, acceptance of misfortune, acceptance of others.  When you understand that not everything is going to go your way, you can learn to be kinder to yourself, and to forgive yourself.  You can learn to show yourself grace, and to have gratitude.  You can learn to be thankful and grateful for what you do have in your life, and focus less on what you don’t have.  These were all valuable life lessons that I was learning throughout this process, and lessons that I continue cultivating in my life daily.  I was learning to be reflective, and to make valuable and necessary changes in my life.  It's never too late to change, and as long as you can be introspective and reflective, you will always have the opportunity to grow.  And that’s what I was doing; I was growing.  I was growing emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and morally.  I was ridding myself of all of the negative traits I had developed throughout my lifetime. I was cultivating and developing all of the wonderful traits within me, and adding some new ones as well.  As difficult as it was to not have you boys in my life, I was proud of myself for having a growth mindset, and choosing to become a better human being.  I was developing a deeper sense of kindness and compassion towards others.  I was learning to forgive, which doesn’t mean you have to forget, but it does allow you to move on with life in a positive and meaningful way.  I sincerely hope you boys can learn to forgive me someday.  

Love,
Dad

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