05/07/22

 Dear O and C,

I miss you both dearly.  You are my everything: my heart, my soul, and my world.  I love you to the moon and back.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky.  When you look up at night and see the stars and the moon, just know that I am looking at the same stars and the same moon.  I hope this gives you a little peace of mind, and makes you feel like we are together.  

Birthdays still hurt.  O, I missed you turning 10 years old.  That stung.  Not being able to see you, tell you I love you, wish you a happy birthday, nothing; it hurts.  Of course, I bought you a gift and wrote you a card. Both are sitting here in your bedroom, at my house.  Not being able to call you, write to you, or even email or text with you, is so painful.  I couldn’t make sense of it.  I could understand not being able to see you, because of what the court had decided, but not being able to have any form of communication with you, that was all your mother’s doing. The court never ordered no-contact, please know that.  It’s all lost time, lost milestones, lost memories, and missed opportunities that we’ll never get back.  All we can do is accept the cards that we were dealt, and move forward in a positive and productive way.  Learn from your mistakes, assume positive intentions, and try to see the best in others.  At the end of the day, most people are trying to do the best they can with the tools they have.  Have compassion for others, and yourself as well.  Show others grace and leniency, and show that to yourself as well.  Show yourself love, but don’t take yourself too seriously.  Please understand that we are human, and we all make mistakes.  Show gratitude and appreciation for what’s important in your life.  I promise there will come a time when you have the opportunity to forgive me; I urge you to take that opportunity.  Have faith that I love you both so much, and I always have, and I always will.  Also, I want you to understand that you will never have to earn my forgiveness.  I will never hold a grudge for anything that has happened between us.  I accept both of you as you are, as you were, and as you always will be.  You are my children; I love you more than words can explain. You are perfect in my eyes, and you always will be.  Throughout your lives, know that you will make mistakes; and I will always forgive you for those mistakes.  Know that you will have to forgive yourselves as well. I am always here for you both, in every way possible, forever.  

R and I flew to Seattle for Christmas.  It was very surreal to fly during Covid.  The airport was actually almost empty, so it felt relatively safe.  There were so many protocols in place too, it was like something out of a sci-fi movie.  It was nice to get away from the Bay Area.  R’s parents are so warm, loving, and accommodating.  Their house definitely feels like my home away from home.  I’m very positive that the two of you would absolutely love it there, if you’re ever able to go.  R’s parents have expressed how much they want to meet the two of you.  There’s no doubt they will love the both of you very much, if they are ever able to meet you.  You guys would absolutely love it up there; it’s so beautiful and green.  R’s mom is an absolutely wonderful host and chef.  She went all out for Christmas dinner.  We had crab cocktail, lobster pasta, and prime rib for Christmas dinner. It was a nice time for us to relax by the fireplace.  We watched movies, sports, played games, ate delicious food, and enjoyed each other’s company.  Unfortunately, we were not able to see R’s extended family due to Covid.  But having a small gathering for the holidays was just fine by me.  As a matter of fact, I’ve learned throughout this custody ordeal, and through Covid, that I actually enjoy smaller gatherings more.  They’re more intimate, and you can really connect with people.  I’ve also learned to keep a smaller circle.  I’ve had to let go of some of my closest friends, because our morals and values were not aligned.  I used to be very trusting of people, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  This time period also taught me that not everyone can be trusted.  There are plenty of people out there who do not have your best interest at heart, and it’s best not to associate with those people.  Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.  People have to earn my loyalty, respect, and trust now.  I have far fewer people in my life who I consider close to me; but the people I do have in my life are trustworthy and high-quality people, just like myself, and that’s the way I prefer it.  


Love, 

Dad

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