05/06/22

Dear O and C,

It was time for me to rebuild my life.  Everything I had known and loved had been taken from me and destroyed.  I can only imagine how the two of you felt.  You must have been so confused, hurt, and frustrated by the situation.  You should know I prayed for you, and still do, every single night.  I pray that the two of you are happy, healthy, loved, and well taken care of.  I pray that you are eating healthy food.  I pray that you are getting plenty of exercise.  I pray that you both have warm beds to sleep in.  I pray that you have nice clothes to wear to school.  I pray that you are doing well in school.  I pray that you are kind to other kids, and that in return, other kids are kind to you.  I pray that you have friends to hang out with.  I pray that you get to spend time with your mom’s side of the family, and that they are extra loving to you. I pray that your mom is taking good care of you, and that she is providing for you, and giving you all of the love and support you need.  Most of all, I pray that someday, I will get to see you again.  I pray that someday, we will be together again.  I pray that you will see the changes I’ve made in effort to be a better father to you.  I pray I get to show you the new me, and prove to you guys that I can be the kind, loving, supportive father you need me to be.  Believe it or not, I also prayed for your mother many times.  I prayed that she was okay.  I knew if she was doing well, then chances were, you guys would be doing well also.  

It was time for me to focus on the things in my life that I had control over.  I put more time and effort into my relationship with R.  We began to see a couple’s counselor.  We began to rebuild many parts of our relationship that had been broken and neglected due to all the pain and suffering that this long and drawn-out court battle caused.  I should have been putting more focus on myself, R, and on our relationship throughout this entire process.  I was largely neglecting the things I could have control over in my life, in favor of things that I had absolutely no control over.  It was so hard for me to prioritize what I wanted to focus my time and energy on during this time of my life.  I had way too many irons in the fire.  I had way too many eggs, in too many baskets.  My life was far too diversified, and it needed to be simplified.  I had to rearrange my priorities, and first and foremost, take care of myself.  I put the priority on my mental health.  I had been struggling deeply with severe depression, anxiety, and lack of motivation.  I was also still dealing with feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment.  I needed to figure out how to best deal with all of these feelings and emotions in a healthy way.  I’m still learning.  It’s a lifelong journey for me, and one that I will always prioritize.  I’m still not perfect, and I still make mistakes, but I’m getting better.  

        My therapist had left Kaiser, so I had to find a new one.  It was a very lengthy and tedious process; but I stuck with it and found one.  A man this time, who had been in the business for over 40 years.  He had a lot of life experience, and brought a confidence, a voice of reason, and sensibility to my life and what I was going through.  Although he validated that what I was going through, in terms of losing the both of you, was beyond tough, he had also seen worse.  It helped knowing that he knew of other people who had gone through similar situations, and had ended up being okay.  He helped bring perspective to my life, and my otherwise seemingly dire situation.  He made me realize that my life wasn’t all bad and I had lots to be thankful for.  Additionally, he agreed that me stepping back from the custody situation was the best thing for me to do at the time.  It was the first time in a long time I felt as though, maybe life was going to be okay. Each time I finished a therapy session I had a little bounce back in my step.  A slight smile began to return to my face.  I had a tiny bit of optimism back, and felt almost hopeful for the first time since the Ex-Parte was filed.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I may never see or speak to you boys again.  That was difficult, but based on everything that had unfolded, I had absolutely no reason to think otherwise.  I realized that with or without you boys in my life, it was going to continue and I had to be okay with that.  I had to know how to progress and move forward with my life in a way that's healthy and meaningful.  My focus shifted from trying to jump through meaningless court appointed hoops that yielded no positive outcome to becoming the best person and father I could become, so I would be ready for you when the time comes.  I focused on trying to maintain a positive outlook and attitude towards life, even when things weren’t going my way.  I focused on not being so resentful or bitter, but rather accepting life as it came to me.  I had to let go of resentments and regrets.  I had to realize that I, in reality, had very little control over the things that happened in my life.  I did however, have control over my mental state of mind, and my response to the things that were happening in my life, and there was power in knowing that.  

        I had to learn how to honor the two of you, in a way that was respectful and healthy.  Oftentimes, when I would look at pictures of you boys, and reflect on good times we shared, I would break down crying.  It was also hard to talk to anyone about you boys, because no one knew what to say.  No one really knew what was going on.  My own family members and closest friends did not know how to approach me about the situation.  They didn’t want to offend me, or bring something up that might make me sad.  It was a really weird time.  Here, you have my mom, who used to do everything with us, not knowing what to say or how to approach me in talking about you both.  It was almost as if we had to grieve your loss, while knowing you were still alive.  We couldn’t see you, hear you, speak to you, write to you, hug you, call you, text you, email you, or even see pictures of you.  It was very difficult.  It was as if we all had to move on with our lives, without you, while at the same time knowing you were alive and well.  I still struggle with this today.  I want to honor you every second of every day, and most days, I do.  Other days, when I think about the two of you, it’s just too difficult and I break down and cry.  It’s those days that are the toughest.  I’ve had to figure out what to do with all of that sadness.  In the past, if I was sad, I would drink or get angry. But I was no longer drinking and I was trying my best to control my anger as well.  I began writing in my journal.  It helped me to get my thoughts down on paper.  It helped me to make sense of things and organize my thoughts. It allowed for me to be able to think about and reflect upon memories with you both in a way that's healthy for me.  I made several photo albums with pictures of us in it.  It helped me to look at those pictures and see the smiles on all of our faces, and to think that we really did share some great times together.  When I tell you guys that I loved and cared about you more than I ever thought was humanly possible, I mean that.  There really is no love that compares to the love that a parent has for their child.  I hope you both get to experience that one day.  I also hope that by then, you both have forgiven me, so that I can be a loving father to you and grandfather to your children.  

        I’ve also had to try and come to grips with the fact that it is a possibility that you will never forgive me, and never want to see or speak to me again.  This happened to my Uncle A.  His kids have not spoken to him for over twenty years.  They hold a deep resentment towards their father.  They have so much anger in their hearts towards their father.  They blamed him for everything that went wrong in their lives, and they chose to never forgive him.  My uncle lives with this pain every day.  Sure, he has learned how to function on a daily basis without his children present in his life.  But he has a hole in his heart; a deep void.  Something is missing in his life, and he feels that every day.  I hope this will not be the case with us, but honestly, I have to be prepared for the worse.  I have no idea how either of you feel about me.  I thought we had an unbreakable bond, and shared such a deep love and devotion, one that could never be broken.  But honestly now, I’m not sure.  I have to come to grips with the fact that you guys might hate me.  You might blame me for everything that has gone wrong in your life.  And if you did, I would have to live with that.  I will never, no matter what, blame you boys for anything.  I will never hold a grudge against you, or be mad at you for anything having to do with this mess.  I want you to know that I, one hundred percent, take responsibility for anything I did to contribute hurt or pain to either of you.  I am so willing to listen, and hear you, and hopefully with the help of a counselor, be able to repair any and all of the harm I have caused to you.  None of what happened, or happens, between your mother and I is your fault, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that it was.  I’m sorry I put you in a position where you felt like you had to protect your mother, that was wrong of me.  I’m sorry that I haven’t been there to protect you boys, because that is a parent’s job; to protect their children, not the other way around.  I’m sorry for any harm I have ever caused either of you.  I am here to tell you that I acknowledge your truths, and would love the opportunity to make amends with both of you.  I would love the opportunity to be your dad again.  I would love the opportunity to protect you again.  I would love the opportunity to share in your successes; to be part of your lives again.  I would love the opportunity to watch you, and help you grow from children, to young adults, to eventually adults.  I look forward to the day when I get to hear about all of your triumphs, successes, and victories; as I’m sure there have been many.  I can’t wait to hear about a friend you made at school, or a test you did well on.  Most of all, I can’t wait just to hear your voice. To hold your hand in my hand.  To tell you that I love you.  And if you can’t find it in your hearts to forgive me, please know that I will understand.  I will love you both always, and forever, no matter what. 

Love,

Dad