05/01/22

Dear O and C, 

    First off, let me start by saying, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for any pain and hurt I’ve caused you.  I’m sorry for any hurt and pain I’ve caused your mother.  I’m sorry that your mom and I got a divorce.  I’m sorry that, previous to the divorce, your mom and I argued and fought all the time.  I’m sorry that after the divorce, R and I fought in front of you.  I’m sorry I didn’t stop drinking right away, after the divorce.  I’m sorry you had to move out of your house. I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you in over a year.  It’s not my choice.  I’ve tried to write to you. I’ve sent letters, postcards, and emails.  I’ve called and texted your mother asking if I could speak to you, and I haven’t heard anything back.  Every attempt I made, your mother accused me of “love bombing” you.  I’m sorry that I can’t see you, talk to you, or be with you every second of every day.  I miss you both so much.  I suffer because I have missed so much of your lives.  I genuinely hope both of you are doing well.  The only people who have told me anything about the two of you are your teachers.  They both report that you are doing well, so that makes me happy.  

This has been a long and tough journey, and I’ve had to grow up quite a bit.  I needed to put a lot of work into myself before I could be the best father for you two.  I hope that someday soon, I get a chance to show you how much I’ve changed.  I quit drinking.  I’ve been completely sober for over seven months now.  I know alcohol contributed to quite a bit of anger and rage on my end.  It contributed to me demonstrating some pretty nasty behavior as well. I used inappropriate language, sometimes abusive language toward the both of you, your mother, R, and even my own mother.  I am not proud of these behaviors I exhibited in the past, in fact, I am ashamed.  Alcohol had the ability to take control of me and cause me to do some horrific things; things that I never would have done if I was sober.  However, alcohol was not the only problem.  My anger was a problem, too.  I had a deep hatred within me; one that stemmed from my childhood and the difficult situations I suffered through.  You need to know that I have never hated, nor will ever hate either of you.  I have never blamed either of you for any of the situations that have unfolded in the last couple of years.  I only love and support you, think the world of you, and would do anything for you.  

    I want to reiterate how sorry I am for not having seen you in so long. I know that must be tough on the both of you.  The Family Court system is a very challenging one to navigate.  I was so angry when I found out that your mother filed an ex-parte against me, which would give her temporary physical and legal custody.  As you know, the judge ruled in her favor.  I was so devastated by this.  O and C, you boys were my life.  I loved you, and still do love you, more than anything in the world.  You were, and still are, my entire heart, my entire world.  When your mom and I divorced, I truly thought things were going to get better for everyone in our family.  Some of the most cherished times I spent with you were at my mom’s house, when I was sleeping in her living room.  As you know, there isn’t much space in grandma’s house, but we sure did make the most of it.  We played board games, put together puzzles, colored pictures, and played with play-dough.  Grandma and I read to you.  We bathed you.  We went on bike rides together.   We cooked yummy food together, and of course, ate lots of dessert.  O, I’ll never forget the time you slept with me on a mattress on the floor.  We always snuggled, but this time, you snuggled up to me tighter than you ever had before.  You slept so soundly in my arms that night.  I remember thinking, as much change as we were all going through, and as difficult as times had been, that everything was going to be alright.  C, you slept in grandma’s bed, and you could not have been happier.  

    I think it’s important for you to know how things started, and progressed, then regressed, since your mother and I decided to get a divorce. Originally, I had you every other weekend, but that quickly moved to every weekend, based on how well things were going.  It should be noted that your mother and I were getting along better too.  We were communicating well, and doing everything we could to put you boys first, and make sure that our divorce did not negatively impact you. But, how could it not?  Everything you boys knew to be true, cared about, and loved, had been forever changed.  So, for that, I am sorry.  I do want you to know, your mother and I getting a divorce had nothing to do with the two of you.  It was in no way, shape, or form your fault.  I remember being told that when my parents got divorced, and yet, there were times when I struggled to believe it.  So, I will always reiterate to you that it was not your fault. It was between your mother and I.  We were not getting along.  We were not being good partners to each other, in fact, we were pretty terrible. Your mother and I had many conversations about our relationship, saw a counselor, and consulted with those closest to us.  In the end, we agreed that it was best for all of us to separate.  We also agreed that no matter what, we would put the two of you first, always.  For the first ten months after the divorce, we did.  Sure, we still had our little disagreements about things, but for the most part, we set our differences aside, and did what was best for the two of you.  We were co-parenting, and, at the time, I felt like we were doing a pretty good job with it. 

    It wasn’t long after staying at my mom’s house for a bit, that I moved in with R.  You guys had already known R for a few months by this point, and had become quite fond of her.  So was I.  I had fallen in love with her.  I think it is important for you both to know the backstory between R and I.  We had been co-workers for a couple of years.  The first two years I knew her, it was strictly a friendship.  We coached basketball together, and ate lunch in the same room with our other co-workers.  We shared many interests; mainly, sports.  R was very easy going, and easy for me to talk to.  We also shared the same prep period together, and would often hang out during that time. We got along so easily, and could really talk about anything together.  R was getting married, but did not seem that enthused about it.  My marriage with your mother was a struggle, and neither one of us were happy.  Your mom knew about my friendship with R, and at first, did not approve of it.  I assured her that R and I were only friends, and that she had nothing to worry about.  Eventually, as your mom and I fought more, and grew further apart, I came to rely on R for support.  By the time your mom and I had agreed to get divorced, your mom actually came to support the friendship I had with R. In fact, she even privately reached out to R to encourage the friendship. At the time, R was the only person on the planet who could talk to me and get through to me.  She calmed me down, in a time in my life, when I was really struggling emotionally.  Your mom became fed up with my outbursts, rightfully so, and knew our relationship was coming to an end.  I was able to confide in R, and our relationship grew stronger every day.  Eventually and naturally, I began to fall in love with R.  I apologize if the timeline doesn’t feel right to you, or if there is any hurt surrounding this.  I can assure you, my relationship with your mother was over long before I ever began a relationship with R.  My dad dated many women, and even married a couple, after he and my mom divorced, so I understand the pain this can cause.  I will say, I love R, and we are engaged to be married soon, so it’s not like I got together with just any woman.  I fell deeply in love with R.  Again, this might not make it any easier, I just feel it’s my obligation to share this with you.  The last thing I ever wanted to cause the two of you was, confusion, instability, or either of you feeling like you weren’t my first and foremost priority; because you were and always will be.  

    Anyway, back to the timeline of events.  I spent many hours contemplating whether or not to move in with R. I spoke with your mom, R, my mom, and even you both before I made the decision to move in with her.  I knew how much R loved the both of you, and she was very committed to making sure that our home was your home too.  I was so excited to move in with R and create a space of our own.  The first thing we did was go to Target and pick out two air beds, comforters, sheets, and pillows for the two of you. O, we got you a Fornite themed bed set. C, a Roblox themed bed set for you.  We bought a dresser for you guys and filled it with clothes and shoes. We bought you toothbrushes, toys, books, stuffed animals, and really all the things that were going to make you comfortable at our apartment.  

Life in the apartment seemed to be going really well.  I’ll admit, it wasn’t the biggest space, but we made the most of it.  Plus, we had a pool and a gym which we made use of regularly.  You guys were  staying with us every weekend.  It was awesome.  We rode bikes, played at the park, went to grandma’s house, swam, went to the beach, played soccer, and so much more.  R baked cookies with you.  We sat at the dinner table and ate dinner together.  We watched cartoons, and animated movies together.  We read you stories every night before bed.  C, you would still get up and come into our room about ten times a night.  I would tuck you back in, and lay with you until you fell back asleep each time.  I remember standing over the two of you, just admiring how beautiful you both were, and thinking to myself, I’m the luckiest man alive.  Eventually C, as you got more comfortable in the apartment, you began sleeping in your own bed all the way through the night.  One of my favorite times was when R went to visit her parents for the holidays; Christmas and Chanukah.  You boys stayed with me for the weekend.  We made a fire, hung Christmas lights in the apartment, lit the menorah every night, and Facetimed with R.  But the best part was when the two of you opted to sleep in my bed. You snuggled up to me so tight. I didn’t sleep much, but you two did, and I had a smile on my face from ear to ear.  

    There were a few hiccups here and there with our new living arrangement, but overall, it was going very well.  You were happy.  Every time I picked you up, or your mother dropped you off, you were so excited to see me and I was equally excited to see you.  We made the most of our time together.  Having a limited amount of time with you guys really put things into perspective for me, and made me appreciate the precious moments I got to spend with you even more.  You mother and I were still doing our best to communicate effectively, put your needs first, and co-parent to the best of our ability.  There were a few setbacks, but overall, it was going well--or so I thought.  We came up with an agreed upon list of rules, for you boys to follow at each house, so that you would have consistency.  When your mother decided that she wanted to change the schedule, R and I agreed.  For example, your mother wanted to spend a weekend day with you.  Originally, you stayed with R and I from Friday until Sunday.  However, we agreed to take you guys from Thursday to Saturday, giving your mother a weekend day to spend with you.  R and I were also excited to have you for a school night.  We helped you with your homework, and I got a chance to drop you off at school in the morning, something I enjoyed doing.  Your mother did change a couple of things that R and I did not agree with, but we went along with them anyway because it’s what your mother wanted.  For example, out of the blue, she asked that R no longer be in the car when I dropped you guys back off at her house.  R was always with us, and it struck me as strange that she wanted control over such a thing.  She said seeing R “triggered” her, and I wanted to be respectful, so I obliged.  This caused R quite a bit of pain, as she couldn’t understand why this new rule was implemented.  Oftentimes, when we were out and about, we would have to drop R off first, before I dropped you guys off, even if we were closer to your house.  You boys asked why, and R was forced to lie to you in order to protect your mother.  When I got home, R would be in tears over not being able to say a proper goodbye to the two of you and having to be dishonest.  She felt like it was unfair, and that she didn’t do anything to deserve this.  I agreed, but was too afraid to say anything.  This also caused tension between R and I.  As a result, I suggested to your mother that she begin dropping you off and picking you up at the apartment.  She agreed, as long as R was never with us.  It was highly uncomfortable for R, and again, hurt her feelings.  She wanted to be there to say goodbye to you guys, and she was forced to stay up in the apartment or quickly run up and hide if she was outside and your mother was on her way.  It was not fair, but in the end, I agreed.  Aside from that, everything was going well with us.  However, I would sob uncontrollably on Saturdays after you both left. It was difficult to say goodbye knowing that I wouldn’t get to see you again for almost a whole week.  I expressed this to your mother, and she agreed to let us have you over for dinner on Tuesday nights from 4-8pm.  We played games, went swimming, ate dinner, got you ready for bed, and then your mother would come and get you.  We had a pretty good system in place. 

    Sometimes, while you were with us, R and I would argue. This wasn’t a common occurrence, but it did happen.  R would end up crying, and you both took it upon yourselves to protect her.  That’s admirable of you both.  I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart for putting you in that situation.  That wasn’t fair to you.  I put you guys in that situation enough when I was married to your mother.  Now, I was supposed to be healing, learning, getting better, and here I was putting you guys in the same position.  That must have been really traumatizing for you.  I am so sorry. R and I were dealing with a lot, and sometimes adults fight, but that’s no excuse.  We should never have been fighting in front of you.  That is my fault.  I have to admit also, I should not have been drinking either.  I wasn’t drinking as much as I used to, and I thought I had it under control, but in hindsight, I didn’t. This contributed to me acting poorly.  For that, I’m sorry.  I should have known better.  If I had only known the trouble that my drinking was going to lead to in the near future, I would have stopped cold turkey.  But I can’t predict the future.  You live and you learn.  You make mistakes, and you learn from them, and you keep going, and you get better.  That’s the beautiful thing about life, you always have the opportunity to change.  

    By the summer of 2020, we were rapidly outgrowing our apartment.  It was simply too small for the four of us.  Plus, I wanted to have you guys for more time, and I knew we would need a bigger space in order to make that happen. We were getting noise complaints from the downstairs neighbors when we played and ran around.  We only had one bathroom, and you guys were growing like weeds.  Also, we ended up having a terrible termite problem in the apartment, so R and I knew it was time to start looking for a house to rent.  I was excited at the prospect of having a house because y0ur mother had assured me that I would get more custodial time if I had a bigger space for you both. 

    You both toured a couple of houses with us, one right down the street from where we live now.  You were both excited about moving into a bigger space; a house, with your own bedroom, your own bathroom, and potentially a yard.  Rent was very expensive, and the market was competitive. Houses would be available one day and gone the next.  After some searching, we finally found a really nice house in our price range.  There were fifty other applicants hoping to get the house though, so we weren’t getting our hopes up.  But, a few days later, we got the call: the house was ours!  R and I were so excited for each other, and especially for the two of you.  We knew this would be a wonderful opportunity for us, and allow us to begin a new chapter of our lives. A chapter where we could have you with us more often, where you could have your bedroom, bathroom, and a beautiful yard. We couldn’t wait to move in.

Love,

Dad


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