06/9/23

Dear O and C,

Congratulations on another school year in the books! And, Congrats O on graduating the 5th grade!  I can’t believe you’ll be in middle school next year!  I’m so very proud of you for all of your accomplishments during your time in elementary school.  Despite having to deal with a tremendous amount of adversity, distraction, heartache and pain, you still managed to: maintain good grades, have a social circle, play lots of sports, learn to play the violin, and so much more! I just wish I was able to be there to see your promotion ceremony.  Yet another milestone missed.  Oh well.  I promise if I’m ever allowed to make it up to you, I will. 

Our last visit was eventful.  I was able to give both of you presents from me and your grandma. C, these presents were from your birthday. O, for graduation.  You both seemed somewhat pleased with your gifts.  There was no “thank you” given, but I swear I did see a little smile on each of your faces, and that’s worth something.  C, you ate the frosting off the tops of the cupcakes grandma made for you. O, you opted to not have a cupcake. 

I was shaken and upset prior to our visit due to the events that had unfolded the weeks prior.  However, as per usual, I promised myself that I would remain composed and positive during our visit, the same way I had every previous visit.  I informed CF that it was time for us to start talking instead of playing.  I felt like there was a lot of information that I needed to explain to you.  I had a lot of feelings I wanted to share with you as well. Apparently, the both of you had a lot you wanted to speak with me about as well.  You had some pretty strong feelings regarding what you believe to have transpired, with I.O.’s daughter, K.  You were upset, and you wanted to confront me.

C.F and I thought you would both be very upset, and angry in your approach towards me.  We were both pleasantly surprised when this was not the case. You were both composed when confronting me, and were open to listening to my side of things as well. C, you went first.  We hashed out the incident, and I gave you my version of what happened.  We asked if you believe me.  You replied, “I don’t know who to believe.  I’m confused.”  At this point, I broke down crying and apologized profusely to you for my part in your confusion.  I once again owned up to my wrongs, and expressed how badly I wanted to be a part of your life.  I asked you point blank, if you wanted me to be a part of your life.  You replied, “No.”  CF asked in a different way towards the end of our visit, and you said, “I don’t know, maybe.”  However, it was pretty clear to me where you stand.  I’m in a tough spot here.  Before, you were so angry with me for “giving up on you.”  Now, you don’t want anything to do with me.  Only time will tell I suppose.  

O, you were as calm as I’ve ever seen you in your conversation with me.  You brought up your version of what had unfolded at school.  I explained my side of things.  You asked questions.  I answered them, truthfully and honestly—just like I had with everything else.  You seemed satisfied enough with my answers, but obviously, your guard was still up.  You reiterated that in general, you didn’t trust me.  CF asked you, “What’s it going to take for you dad to earn your trust?” You replied, “actions.” I then explained to you that in the past three years, every action I’ve taken was to earn back your trust.  Every action I’ve taken was to become a better person, a better man, a better father.  Once again, I outlined all of the hard work I had put into myself, which includes bettering myself and healing from trauma.  I explained how most of the hard work I had done was for you and your brother; and for myself of course.  You seemed mildly satisfied with my answer.  I expressed to you that all I was interested in was your forgiveness. I explained that I wasn’t looking for custody, or weekends at my house, or anything of the sorts.  All I wanted was for us to be able to speak honestly with one another, and to re-establish some form of a father-son relationship.  I wanted you to know that I’m not pressuring you, and that there is no timeline for this process.  I acknowledged that the work was going to be difficult, but reassured you that I was committed to the process.  Again, only time will tell.  


Happy summer.


Love,

Dad


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