06/01/22

Dear O and C,

I got the news in September of 2021 that our house sold.  I was happy.  I would now have money to pay off my bills and debts, which I did right away.  I also generously paid $30,000 of your mom’s attorney fees, despite there being no court order to do so. The $30,000 was only a third of what she owed, which, in my opinion, is embarrassing and disgusting.  I was happy that your mom would have money to take care of you guys, but I was also terrified that she would waste the money and continue this custody battle until the money ran out.  

Finances were always something that your mother and I disagreed on.  She had the “fly by the seat of your pants” mentality about money, and life in general for that matter.  She just assumed that things would always work out for the best, no matter what. It was also apparent that she had a very nonchalant relationship with finances.  I did not.  I had always worked hard for my money, and was very smart and intentional about what I spent my money on.  Growing up, I saw the polar opposite sides of finances.  My mom didn't have much money, and came from a very conservative family, so she did not have the opportunity to waste money.  My mother, sometimes by choice, and sometimes by necessity, was very fiscally responsible.  My father, on the other hand, spent money as soon as he made it.  He constantly blew money on toys: motorcycles, boats, cars, etc.  This was money that should have been going to my mom for child support, or to help better the lives of my brother and I.  My dad never felt like it was his responsibility to financially support my mom, my brother and I after their divorce.  He felt that he worked hard for his money, so he was entitled to spend it however he best saw fit.  Don’t get me wrong, we always had fun riding motorcycles and waterskiing on the lake, so I knew there was at least some value to my father’s beliefs about money.  I always prided myself on falling somewhere in the middle of how my mother and father viewed money.  I was financially responsible and saved money, yet I also made sure to enjoy myself ane reap the rewards of the money I had worked hard to earn.  It was a fantastic balance.  I paid for my college tuition, room and board, and saved up enough money for a down payment on a house in the Bay Area.  However, I also rarely went without.  I went out to nice dinners occasionally, had plenty of hobbies, and never felt guilty about treating myself to something nice.  I honestly hope both of you inherit my sense of fiscal responsibility.  Like my grandfather used to say, “a penny saved is a penny earned.”

If you do ever decide to get married, I recommend ensuring that you and your partner agree on finances.  Many relationships end over different financial views, and I wouldn’t want either of you to find that out the hard way.  That being said, most of learning in life comes through experience, and finding things out for yourself. I know you’ll go through bumps in the road and hard times.  But if you can take any of my advice and use it to better your own lives, that would make me happy.  I will always be here for you during those bumps in the road, and those hard times, should you ever choose to reach out.  

In regards to custody, the second round of reunification therapy did not go well.  The therapist, once again chosen by your mother, accused me of so many things before she even got to know me.  I never stood a chance.  She accused me of being an alcoholic.  Now, I want to clear something up for you, now, and for good.  I did, at times of my life, struggle with alcohol abuse and maybe even dependency.  I used alcohol as a coping mechanism.  I tried to drink away my problems.  And sometimes, when I drank too much, I got angry and lashed out.  I am not justifying any of that behavior.  It was awful.  There was no excuse for it.  I don’t miss that part of my life not one bit.  I felt my alcoholism was a big enough problem in my life to take care of it and resolve it.  That is why I enrolled myself in a sobriety program through Kaiser.  I successfully quit drinking.  I was not drinking at all during the second go around of reunification therapy, yet the therapist did not believe me.  No one did.  Your mother did not believe me.  Her lawyer did not believe me.  Despite successful completion of Kaiser’s sobriety program, many negative alcohol tests, and continued participation in the sobriety groups and therapy with Kaiser, they didn’t believe me.  None of those people had any grounds to believe that I was still drinking, yet they continued to accuse me of drinking.  It was very disrespectful, frustrating, and undermining of the hard work I had put into being sober.  Only the people closest to me knew the real me, and saw every day that I was not drinking.  So, to hear a therapist, who didn’t know me, and only knew the situation based on your mother’s story, accuse me of being a continued alcoholic was disheartening.  She told me she wouldn’t work with me unless I enrolled in AA. Even though I didn’t see the need, I enrolled. It was during Covid, so all meetings were virtual, just like everything else.  I told the therapist I had attended several meetings, and once again, she didn’t believe me.  One of the meetings that fit my schedule happened to be hosted in Hawaii over Zoom.  The therapist told me that she knew I wasn’t serious about AA because I had attended a meeting in Hawaii.  This was so offensive, not only to me, but to all of the other people working to better their lives who attended that meeting, regardless of where they lived.  

In addition to her labels and continued hostility in regards to my relationship with alcohol, she also said some other things that were hurtful and unprofessional. She told me that you both were two to three times more likely to end up in jail because you had been estranged from your father. (The irony is that this estrangement was facilitated by y0ur mother. I didn’t want to be estranged at all.) She told me that because I had been sexually abused as a child that I was more likely to sexually abuse you both. She also told me a story about a family annihilator and likened me to someone who might kill his own children. After six weeks of sessions between her and I, I asked when I would be able to have therapy with the two of you.  She kept reiterating, based on no factual information, that I was not ready.  She told me that I had not yet accepted my wrong doings, nor had I put enough work into myself.  She gave me no plan or timeline.  It was infuriating trying to work with this woman.  I did the best I could, but when I wrote her a letter, explaining that I did not think she had an accurate depiction of the man I was, and the hard work I had put into myself, she told me she could no longer work with me.  

To be honest, I wasn’t all that surprised.  Based on what your mother had told everyone about me, and what the court had ruled, it’s no surprise that people thought I was the worst person on the planet.  I was definitely guilty until proven innocent.  It felt like all of my rights had been stripped away.  It was so difficult knowing that I had taken so many classes, sat through so many therapy sessions, gotten sober, and I was still being portrayed as a monster.   I had spent so much money, put in so much effort, and yet still, I was making no progress towards being able to see the two of you.  I began to realize that there were too many cards stacked against me.  There were too many roadblocks in the way.  When a mother spends upwards of $100, 000 to alienate two children from their father, it works; especially in California.  The odds were too great.  No matter what I did, no one was going to help reunify me with the two of you.  At this point, I had no idea if that was even something either of you wanted.  I figured that if you actually wanted to see me, or have some form of contact with me, then you would have.  Unless you expressed to your mother that you wanted to see or talk to me, and she did everything she could to prevent it from happening.  I just knew that the two of you probably had to act in certain ways and say certain things in order to survive; and if that meant agreeing and believing your mom in order to make her happy and keep your lives copesetic, then I understood.  I also knew that the relationship we used to have was very real.  The connection and the bond we had was very real, and no one could ever take that away from us.  I knew that I wasn’t a perfect father, and that I had made some mistakes. At the same time, I also knew that I was an amazing father, who loved and cared about you boys with all of my heart.  Someday I hope the two of you are able to reflect, and understand the depth of this situation.  I hope that someday you are able to see the good in me.  I hope you realize I made drastic life changes in order to be a better father to you boys; I just haven’t gotten the opportunity to show you yet.  I hope that someday, I am given that opportunity.  

I was so disheartened, so deeply sad.  I was running out of options.  I was running out of resources.  I knew I couldn’t quit on you guys, I had just been shut out, and shut down, so many times, I didn’t know what to do.  Nobody was helping me to reunify with the two of you.  In fact, everyone involved was doing the opposite; they were helping to alienate you from me, and me from you.  I understand that if I really and truly was a threat to you and your safety, then the people involved had every right to take that seriously, and protect you.  But the truth was, I was not a threat to you.  At this time in my life, I was not an abuser, I was not an alcoholic, I was not dangerous.  Your mother just had to convince everyone that I was, so it fit with the narrative that she had created.  The people involved would accuse me of being in denial, but I wasn’t.  I had reflected, admitted, and taken action to remedy all of my negative qualities and traits.  What more could I do to convince people that I had changed, and that I wasn’t as bad of a person as your mother had made me out to be.  The answer is, nothing.  Once people have made up their minds about someone, sometimes, they will never be convinced otherwise, no matter what.  I am a firm believer that people can change if they want to change and have the resources.  Change is not always easy.  Sometimes it takes a lot of self-reflection, and a lot of hard work.  I took on that responsibility.  I took a good, hard, long look in the mirror, and made the life changes that I needed to make.  I put in the work.  I made the changes.  Someday, I hope you can recognize it, and give me a chance.  I am also confident that whether or not I ever get to see or talk to you again, the changes I made were necessary, and have improved my life so drastically, that it was time very well spent.  Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before any real changes can be made.  I am here to tell you, I hit rock bottom.  And although our relationship has been ruined and destroyed, I believe we can build it back even stronger someday.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that someday we begin the rebuilding process.  

Love,

Dad