04/9/23
Dear O and C,
I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to lose the two of you for good. I called the courthouse the other day to schedule my mediation appointment. They informed me that the mediation was not for me; rather it was for the two of you to meet with the mediator. This scares me for many reasons. First off, the two of you have expressed openly to me, and our therapist that you do not want to do reunification therapy with me. I’m afraid you will convey that message to the mediator. Second, the mediation will be virtual, which means your mother will be present the entire time. She will most likely coach you through the entire process telling you what to say and when. Remember, she is attempting to have our reunification therapy suspended. I’m scared that she is going to succeed. If she does, and we no longer have reunification therapy, then we have nothing. We will have no communication or contact whatsoever. Then we’re back to square one. No, scratch that. We’d be even further behind square one. I’m afraid we’d be at the point of no return. It’s taken me three years to actually get a reunification therapist who I felt was unbiased. It’s taken me nearly three years to get to a place where I’m sober and not harboring incredible amounts of anger and resentment toward the world. I’m finally in a place where I can successfully participate in reunification therapy without feeling incredibly angry towards everyone involved in this process. I find it ironic that once I have finally completed all the steps your mother, her attorneys, and the court have asked me to do, your mother is stating that the two of you are “too traumatized to participate in reunification therapy.” I do want to point out that the concept of reunification therapy was one she introduced and was adamant about. I fear that if we don’t continue engaging in therapy now, we will never have the opportunity again. My only goal is to rebuild and repair our relationship. It’s not going to be easy. Nothing worth having in life comes easy. It’s going to take hard work, dedication, and patience on all three of our parts. I know it’s a lot to ask of a nine and eleven year-old, but trust me, it’ll be worth it. You will want to have a father someday. When you have your first crush. When you are attending your first dance. When you want to learn how to hit a curveball. When you want to go camping. When you want to go on a mountain bike ride. Or, if you just need a shoulder to lean on, or someone to talk to. I’ll be there for all of it, if you let me. However, if you permanently cut me out of your life now, I’m afraid we will never be able to repair our relationship. Life is long. I’m just hard pressed to think that you will never want to have a relationship with me. If we don’t continue the process now, then we will have to start over, whenever you decide you want a relationship with me. I think it’s sad your mother has gone through all of this trouble to make sure everything goes through the court, yet she can’t even let the process the court has suggested play out. It’s sad. It’s sick. It’s as though she needs to play God, and have control over every aspect of every situation, and everyone involved. That must be so tiresome.
Our next court date is May 11th. That gives us five therapy sessions prior to the court date. On that day, we are going to find out one of two things. One, will we continue reunification therapy as scheduled, and reconvene in court in a few months? Two, will we suspend therapy until the two of you are ready (which, we both know, would be never)? I’m scared the latter of these two options will occur. I know, if they suspend therapy, then there is a good chance I will have lost you forever. It makes me very sad to think about. I’ve worked so very hard to be a part of your lives. For me, to have put in so much time, effort, and money, all for nothing, would be a devastating loss for me. For you, while not having to do therapy with me would seem like a victory for you, I assure you, it would be a devastating loss for you as well. You have an amazing father, I promise. I hope that someday, you're able to recognize that, and reap the rewards of it. I pray every day that you will once again, open your hearts to me. I pray that you will once again be able to trust me. I’m not naïve, I know our relationship will never be what it once was. However, it is my hope and dream that someday, we can have some form of a relationship that is built upon love and trust. Even if I only get to see you for a couple of hours per week, I know that we can make the most of that little time spent together. I just want to be able to have a catch with you, take you to the batting cages, go on a bike ride, or just go out to lunch. I just long for the opportunity to be a part of your lives. I just want to be able to chat for a little bit, and to be able to hear about what is going on in your lives.
I don’t need control over any part of your lives; I’ve relinquished that role a long time ago. There is no specific role I’m hoping to fulfill. There is no direction I’d be trying to steer you in. My hope is that you would just have someone in your life to talk to. Someone to trust. Someone to run an idea by if you felt so inclined. Someone you could rely on for support. Someone, who if you ever needed, would be there to offer advice. Most importantly, someone who would be there to love you. I love you to pieces, and I hope we are able to continue reunification therapy together. Once again, that decision is not up to me; it’s up to a judge. A new judge, who doesn’t know us. One who only knows our history and case information based on what she has read, via our previous court documents. However, I know, and it brings me comfort, that the only person really making any decisions is God. It’s in God’s hands. Whatever he decides is what will be; and I’m ok with that. It’s his plan; and ultimately, I know he will do what is right for all of us; even if it means us no longer having any form of relationship. I love you both so much. Oh, and by the way, Happy Easter.
Love,
Dad
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