03/7/23

Dear O and C,

It was nice to see you today.  Today I got to share the news with you that my son, CS was born.  Your reactions were kind of what I expected.  You each said “cool,” and then quickly attempted to move on to the next activity.  O, you spent most of our visit beating on a stuffed giraffe, and C, you shot baskets. This is pretty much what I expected your reactions to be.  I am neither surprised by your responses, nor pleased.  It simply is what it is.  I don’t expect you to be overjoyed by the fact that you now have a baby half-brother; from a father you dislike, and a woman you only once knew.  I don’t blame you, nor will I ever.  I only seek your forgiveness, while the prospect of me obtaining it only seems to fade with each visit.

Our therapy sessions have become nothing more than 30 minutes of playtime, mixed in with Dad bringing you some food, and occasionally a small gift.  We attempted to talk about your feelings, but it’s very clear you do not want to open up to me. Again, I don’t blame you.  I do however hurt, knowing that we may never have a working relationship for the rest of our lives.  The thought of that saddens me deeply.  I wish everyone had the ability to forgive.  Without forgiveness, life is hardly worth living.  People will intentionally and unintentionally make mistakes and hurt you, your entire lives.  To live with bitter disdain, hatred, and resentment only hurts the person harboring those feelings.  You can put up as many walls as you want, it will only help to isolate you.  The only true path to happiness and enlightenment is forgiveness.  

I never shunned my father, or alienated myself from him.  Nor did my mother alienate me from my father. She never even spoke poorly about him.  I did however, choose to not forgive him until it was almost too late.  I harbored lots of resentment towards him, most of my life.  I chose to be angry with him, for the hurt and the pain that he caused me when I was young.  I chose not to forgive my father until I found out that he was suffering from a chronic illness.  So, in a sense, the only reason I forgave him was because I knew that he wasn’t going to live much longer.  Maybe I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of not forgiving him, when he passed away. Whatever the case may be, it is a decision that I’ll regret for the rest of my life.  I should have shown my father compassion.  I should have chosen to forgive him, and bury the hatchet much earlier in my life.  I should have chosen not to resent him for the mistakes he made in his life.  I should have known that although he was not always the father I wanted him to be,  he was doing his best.  If I had chosen the path of love, compassion, and forgiveness, it wouldn’t have magically turned him into a better father.  It would, however, have saved me a lot of heartache and pain.  It also might have opened up the lines of communication between the two of us, and perhaps we might have been able to have some of those meaningful conversations I longed for, before he passed away. 

I saw my father on a fairly regular basis.  We camped together, rode dirt bikes, water skied, and fished.  We had lots of fun.  Always, in the back of my mind, I was angry with him though.  I  resented him for leaving my mother.  I resented him for not being a bigger part of my life.  I hated the fact that we could hardly communicate with one another.  It took me thirty years to forgive my dad.  I realize, it might take you thirty years to forgive me; and that scares the heck out of me.  In a sense, it's time wasted, because it’s not time well spent.  The time shared becomes rather meaningless.  For my father and I, most of our time revolved around toys and vacations.  Sure, that’s fun, but it doesn’t fulfill a deeper longing for a meaningful relationship.  Our time revolves around goofing around and playing games in an office for thirty minutes per week, and that won’t change anytime soon.  Just know that I’m trying, and that I’m doing my best.  However, our relationship can never begin to be repaired, until you choose to forgive me.  You will never be able to forgive me until we can actually open up and communicate with one another.   I sincerely hope that happens soon.  I will always love you.

Love,

Dad