05/08/22

 Dear O and C,

The next few months I would attempt to go on about my life, in a business-as-usual type of way.  School was still distance learning, and I was still trying to adapt to my new way of having to teach Physical Education from home, virtually.  There was a lull in the custody battle as I had temporarily stepped away in an attempt to regain some normalcy and calm.  In a way it was working.  It was nice to not have to worry about being served court papers by your mother and her team of attorneys.  Prior to now, the process server would regularly be waiting outside of my house, and would approach me in my driveway when I got home from work.  It felt like such an invasion of privacy, and was very uncomfortable the first couple of times.  After a while, like everything else in life, I got used to it.  I actually made a game of it.  If I had a day where I wasn’t served papers or harassed via email by your mothers’ attorneys, I considered it a victory and R and I would celebrate.  Sometimes in life, you just have to laugh.  You have to make light of very serious and strenuous situations, just so you can survive.  Once again, I had to let go of any idea that I had any control over my fate, my future, and my destiny.  Yes, we can control some of what goes on in our day to day lives, but you always have to expect the unexpected.  Just when you think that something like that could never happen to you, it does.  I was beginning to prepare myself for the worst all of the time, for any given situation.  That way, if something happened that wasn’t the absolute worst-case scenario, I was pleasantly surprised, and sometimes, even joyful or hopeful.  However, I never let my highs get too high, because I knew that even after a small victory, I could suffer several defeats in a row immediately after.  So, in order to survive life, I severely curbed my optimism, and developed a very healthy sense of pessimism; otherwise known as reality.  

I slowly pined away at life, seeking joy from places I had never before gotten it.  I had always been an admirer of the beauty of nature.  However, before I thought it was best seen from a speed boat, dirt bike, or four-wheel drive truck.  Now, I was beginning to develop an appreciation for the simple things in life.  I began to take walks around the neighborhood.  I began to focus more on things that previously, I would have taken for granted.  I noticed flowers and trees that I had never noticed before.  I heard birds chirping and singing, and that was something that I previously might not have paid attention to. My therapist taught me about food therapy.  We did an exercise with an orange.  Peeling the orange, and smelling its citrusy aromas.  Feeling the texture of the rind between my fingers as I peeled it.  Then, taking a bite, and really focusing on the flavors, and how the sweetness and the acidity made me feel.  She had me focus on any sensations or thoughts that came about during this process.   And finally, we talked about the importance of that orange as sustenance and nourishment, and what it took from the earth to create that orange.  Think about it, if we can give so much attention, focus, and gratitude to an orange; imagine what we could do for each other as humans if we put our minds to it.  I had another therapist teach me how to take meditative walks, and focus on the five senses while walking.  The exercise was simple, yet very effective.  First, I noticed five things I could see on my walk.  Again, I began to notice trees, clouds, birds, flowers, the sky, and so on.  Then, focus on four things I could hear.  I heard cars passing by, horns beeping, trains off in the distance, birds chirping, kids playing basketball at the park.  Then, three things I could smell, two things I could feel, and one thing I could taste.  This helped so much to keep me grounded, and be able to be grateful for everything the world had to offer.  It helped me realize that it was not all about me.  There was so much else out there in the world to focus on.  And if I could shift my focus elsewhere, and care more about the world and all of its natural beauty, I would have less time and energy to spend focusing on myself and my own self-pity.  

O and C, before I tell you the next part of this story, I want to make something very clear.  I take full responsibility for what has happened in my life.  I take responsibility for not being the best father at times, and for any harm or pain I may have caused you.  I take responsibility for drinking in the past, and any damage it caused our family.  I take responsibility for my part in the divorce between your mother and I.  I know at times, I was not the greatest husband, or father, but I certainly did my best given the circumstances.  I want you to know that in no way am I pointing fingers, or blaming anyone else for what has happened between us.  I am only writing to you to explain my side of the story, because up to this point, you haven’t heard it.  I am writing to you to apologize, and express my deepest and sincerest remorse for what has happened.  I am writing to you, to express how much I love you, no matter what.  Despite everything that has happened, I have always loved you with all my heart, and I always will.  I own up to my mistakes.  I’ve learned from them.  Throughout this process, I’ve grown as a human being, as a father, as a partner.  I have always been a great person with a kind and loving heart; but recently I have focused on honing my positive energy, and using it for good.  I also want to tell you, that despite all of the accusations your mother made against me, and the actions she took to keep you away from me, that I forgive her.  I chose to forgive anyone and everyone who has ever committed any wrongdoing towards me.  Because, I know, I have wronged others in my lifetime, and I would hope that the people I have wronged would choose to forgive me too.  

So now, here we are, it’s the springtime of 2021.  Covid restrictions were loosening, and our school district had opted to go back to a modified and restricted version of live instruction.  I was excited about this decision.  We would be at school, teaching one group of students live, while the other students learned from home, virtually.  We stayed in the same location all day.  Students wore masks and were supposed to keep six feet of distance from everyone else.  There were air purifiers and hand sanitizers everywhere.  My teaching location was the old gym; a location you were both very familiar with, as I had taken you there many times to play, and help me coach.  Despite the dangers of Covid, I felt safe with all of the precautions in place, and so did my students.  It was nice to be at school again, and to see people in person.  It had been so long since that had happened. There were still many families who did not want their children at school in person, and who opted to keep their kids home to learn virtually.  I totally understood their concerns, and the severity of the threat that Covid caused.  I had no idea whether the two of you were back at school in the classroom, or continuing to learn from home.  Either way, I just had to have faith that the two of you were safe, and that your mother was doing what was in the best interest for you.  It was extremely difficult not to know anything that was going on in your lives.  

And then came that fateful day in May.  I parked right out front of the old gym, because that’s where I taught and stayed all day.  On a normal day, I would get home by making a U-turn on the street where I park and drive up towards Alameda Street, to get to the freeway.  On this particular day, however, there was so much traffic on the street outside the old gym that I could not make a U-turn.  So, I had to drive to the next street over, and then make a left on Alameda street which would get me to the freeway.  I looked both ways: the coast was clear, so I began to make my left turn.  As I was turning, I looked out of the corner of my eye, and saw the two of you.  It was surreal.  I hadn’t seen either of you in over a year.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  You were walking with your mother and a small group of other children.  I’m not sure if either of you saw me.  I began to cry.  A wave of emotions swept over me.  Feelings came up that I thought I had worked through, but more likely, they were just feelings that I had suppressed in order to survive.  On one hand, I was happy to see that both of you were alive.  On the other hand, it just intensified the sadness of not being able to be with you.  I knew you went to school, just a few blocks from where I taught, but I was not able to see you.  Physically, you were just half a mile away from me, but in reality, we were so far apart.  It hurt so bad.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I cried all day and all night.  I wanted to be with the two of you so badly.  I wanted to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you how much I love you; but I couldn’t.  I felt so helpless, so isolated from you guys, so sad.

The next day, I went to work and pretended to be fine; business as usual. Throughout this entire experience, I’m actually quite surprised, and pleased with myself, at how steadfast I was at work.  Despite all of the pain that I was in and all of the changes I had gone through, I remained professional at work and always gave my students everything I had to offer as a teacher.  I can honestly say that this situation helped me to become a better teacher, co-worker, and district employee as well.  I no longer took my job, my students, or my colleagues for granted.  I approached life with more of a respect and admiration for what and who really mattered most to me.  In a way, work had become a safe haven for me.  I relished in the consistency, the routine, the stability, and the lack of surprises I came to expect from work.  So, I embraced the comfort that work had brought me and tried to put what had happened yesterday out of my mind.  I was constantly in a catch twenty-two, in between a rock and a hard place.  When I blocked you guys out of my mind, I felt guilty.  When I indulged in thinking about you guys, I felt sad.  My work day was coming to an end, and I felt an uneasiness about me.  

The bell rang and my work day was over.  I hopped in my truck and just sat there and thought for a few minutes.  I debated whether or not I was going to drive by your school.  Let me also add that up until very recently, I was employed part time at the school you attend. I was assigned in 2019, to teach Adapted Physical Education to a student at your school.  She happened to be one of my very favorite APE students.  Both of you boys used to love seeing me on campus when I worked with this student.  You would run up to me and hug me, and even help me out sometimes.  I would check on you during snack and recess, and make sure you were both doing well.  It was really nice being able to see the both of you at your school, during my work day.  I had made the decision at the beginning of the year to switch my APE student with the other APE teacher in the district, so there would not be any issues with me seeing either of you at work.  It was a very difficult decision for me to make, but in light of all that was going on, I believe it was the most responsible and respectful decision I could have made, for everyone.  (Except maybe for my former student and her family. They missed me dearly, and I’m sure they were wondering why I was no longer working with their daughter.)  So, all of this being said, it was not such an outlandish idea for me to want to drive by your school in the hopes of catching a glimpse of you two again.  After contemplating it for several minutes, I made the decision that I was going to drive by your school.  This is something I had not done since the last time I had worked with my student, a year and a half prior.  I decided, it was worth the risk, to be able to possibly catch another glimpse of you guys.  I made my way over towards your school.  I took a few backstreets, and then a left on Alameda Street, right by your school.  What happened next was very unsettling.  I glanced over towards your school and saw your mother standing out front.  She saw me, and immediately dialed someone on her phone.  I knew right away that this was not a good sign, and I had a real bad feeling about it.  Even though I had an awful feeling in my stomach, I didn’t regret driving to your school.  I missed you guys so much, and wanted so desperately to see you again.  It was almost as if it wasn’t real when I had seen you the day before, so I wanted confirmation that it was really you guys.  Well, I would soon get all the confirmation I needed.  

When I got home from work, I told R what happened.  She did not think it was smart of me to drive by the school, but she understood why I did it.  She also tried to assure me that nothing would come of it; but I think deep down, we both knew that was wrong.  We made dinner together and sat down to watch some television.  All of a sudden, my phone rang.  It was a local number, so I figured, I better answer it.  It was the S.M. Police Department informing me that my ex-wife had claimed that I was stalking her, and that she was filing a restraining order against me.  In my head, I reflected upon the irony of the situation: my ex-wife and my children lived two miles away from me, and not once did I ever drive by their house.  Out of respect, I didn’t call them or text them.  I changed my place of work so I didn’t run the risk of seeing my boys. I completely respected their privacy, and their wish to not have any contact with me.  In no way did I ever “stalk” my ex-wife or my children.  Her filing a restraining order against me should have been laughable.  But this was no laughing matter.  The police officer who called me was very aggressive and rude.  He kept trying to bait me into saying things that I didn’t do.  He brought up incidents from years prior, and tried to make me admit to being abusive towards my ex-wife.  He told me that he heard a recording of me yelling and cursing at my ex-wife, and that he knew it was my voice on the recording, and that I should admit to it. He said that, in addition to your mother filing for a restraining order, he would be filing a case with the District Attorney, who would be in touch with me if charges were to be formally pressed.  

By the time I got off the phone, I was trembling with fear.  I had never been in trouble with the law before.  I was scared that they were going to grant the restraining order, and possibly even convict me.  All of this because I accidentally saw you guys while I was driving, and then I drove by your school, my former place of work, in hopes to catch another glimpse of you.  I couldn’t understand any of this.  It made no sense.  At this point, I was just being harassed and intimidated by my ex-wife, her attorneys, and now the police department.  I kept wondering, what did I do to deserve this? None of this made any sense.  At this point, I just wanted to escape from it all.  I was tired of the court dates.  Tired of paying attorney’s fees.  Tired of the false accusations.  Tired of the emails from opposing attorneys.  Tired of the lies being told about me.  Tired of my character being dragged through the mud.  Tired of not being able to see the two of you.  I felt like I couldn’t catch a break.  I felt like even when I stepped away, and was focusing on the betterment of myself and my mental health and well-being, I still couldn’t escape the wrath of your mother.  

Love,

Dad