05/05/22 (Part II)

 Dear O and C,

I apologize that some of the information in here might be tough for you to read, understand, or comprehend.  I can assure you that I am here for you, and I always will be, should you ever want to talk about anything.  I also want you to know I have always been right here for you, even though I was not allowed to show you.  I was not allowed to communicate with you in any way, I was always thinking about you.  I was always talking about you boys with my friends and family.  I was writing about you in my journal.  I wrote you emails.  I texted your mother on your birthdays, and asked her to wish you a happy birthday from me.  I painted pictures for you.  Every day, I take a walk for you, and look for loose change on the ground.  When I find any, I say a prayer for you and put the money in your coke bottle bank.  It’s probably up to a couple hundred dollars by now.  When it’s full, I’m going to fill another one, and another one, and another one, and give them all to you someday.  I want you to know that every birthday, every holiday, every special occasion, R, my family and I, celebrate you guys.  We cook the meals we know you love best.  We make your favorite deserts in honor of you.  My mom goes to church every Sunday and prays for you.  O and C, I love you.  Grandma loves you.  R loves you.  Uncle B, Auntie L, J and M love you.  Everyone in my family, all of my friends, we all love and miss you.  Not a second of any day goes by where I’m not thinking about the two of you.  When I drive by a certain park we used to play at, I think of you.  When I ride my bike, I think of you.  When I eat certain foods, I think of you.  When I listen to certain songs, I think of you.  When I see certain movies or tv shows, I think of you.  When I read certain books, I think of you.  When I hear other kids talking about Roblox or Minecraft, I think of you.  Every day, when I walk by the baseball field by my house, I think of you.  I remember all of the times we played baseball together.  I remember all of the teams I helped coach.  I remember being so proud of each of you when you made a good play, or had a nice hit.  Everything in this world reminds me of you, and all of the good you bring to this world.  You are both two of the kindest and most loving individuals I’ve ever known, and it brings me joy to know that no matter what happens between us, you will have a positive impact on this world.  

And so, here we are, mid-February 2020, and I have yet another decision to make. I had a court date fast approaching, on February 22, 2020.  I was confident in all the work I had done up to that point, and was hopeful that the judge would see my progress, and possibly change the custody order.  I had received your mother’s most recent declaration. There were so many lies written about me, and accusations that were completely absurd and unfounded.  For example, remember the time C, when I grabbed your wrist, and removed the card from your hand, so you wouldn’t throw it at your brother during a supervised visit?  Your mother wrote that up in her declaration as an act of physical abuse.  The supervisor wrote in her report that it was a parenting move, and in no way aggressive.  The supervisor, during the visit, made no mention of it, because it was an act of parenting, and an act that prevented you C from potentially harming your brother.  Despite this, your mother eagerly wrote it up in her declaration as abuse because that fit her narrative and agenda.  That not only is false, but it’s a lie as well.  The biggest form of abuse throughout this entire situation, in my opinion, was your mother taking such drastic measures and having you two removed from my care by the court, based on false narratives.  

I had a court hearing to prepare for.  Again, I was confident that the work I had put in thus far would be recognized by the judge, and rewarded with a change in the custody order.  I was actually feeling hopeful.  I felt my attorneys were well prepared.  I had done what the judge had asked me to do and got sober.  I completed the Kaiser abstinence program, and continued in the groups, once I completed the three-month program.  I had been seeing my counselor through Kaiser every other week, and I was confident in the progress I had been making.  I had numerous successful supervised visits under my belt, and all the reports documented how well each visit went.  Despite absolutely despising the family therapist and her methodology, I had successfully engaged in numerous therapy sessions with A, you boys, and even a session with your mother.  I figured by now, six months after the Ex Parte had been filed, and with the progress I had made, that something had to change.  I was anxious, but excited to hear what the judge had to say.  Even though the hearing was virtual, I dressed in a suit to show the judge that I cared and wanted to be taken seriously.  I was familiar with the process by this time.  I waited, and listened to all the other cases that were being heard before mine.  Finally, our case was called.  Your mother’s lawyers spoke first.  They absolutely annihilated my character, once again.  They told the judge that I was not committed to the process, that I had made no progress, and that I did not deserve to have any custody of you boys, until I further proved myself as a father.  Then, it was my attorney’s turn to speak.  He defended me eloquently, and vouched for my character, my progress, and my ability to be a good father.  The judge barely even acknowledged him.  It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye.  The judge ruled that no changes shall be made to the custody order, and for me to continue doing what I was doing.  And that was it.  No questions, nothing.  The whole hearing lasted about four minutes.  How could a judge, who didn’t know me, and only saw me over a computer screen, make such a life altering decision, so quickly?  I was absolutely devastated.  I was heartbroken.  I felt worthless.  I felt lower than low.  I felt like a piece of garbage, a piece of trash.  I felt like the universe, and everyone in it, was conspiring against me.  I was ready to give up.  I couldn’t go on.  I couldn’t keep pouring so much time, energy, emotion, effort, and money into something that was producing negative results.  I was not going to spend the next two years in therapy with your mother.  She was bashing me every chance she got, and then gaslighting me in therapy, telling the therapist, “I wish it could just go back to the way it used to be.” This was so contradictory in itself, because she also loved to talk about how abusive I was to her.  What your mother was doing to me was unconscionable and unfathomable.  I had never witnessed, or even heard of, an ex-wife treating her ex-husband this way.  I kept wondering: what did I do to deserve this? But the answer to that question is: nothing.  Your mother was going to do this to me one way or another, no matter what.  It was her destiny.  

At this point, I had already spent upwards of thirty thousand dollars on lawyer fees, supervised visits, therapy sessions and had gotten absolutely nowhere with custody.  I didn’t feel we were making progress with therapy either.  I wanted to have therapy with the two of you, not with your mother. If your mother and I were going to do therapy together, that would have taken place years earlier, and just so you know, we tried.  Needless to say, it didn’t work.  Our goals were too far apart, as well as our visions for what life should like.  And, if we were far apart then (right before our divorce), imagine how far apart we were now.  There was no sense wasting time, money, and resources on a relationship between your mother and I that no longer existed. I was stuck and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to see you boys so bad, but not within the confines of the court and a system that had failed me tremendously.  I was even scared to continue supervised visits, after your mother had accused me of abusing you during a visit.  I thought, if she could write that up based on inaccurate information she gathered from a previous visit, then what other lies could she make up.  It was reaching a point where, as much as I loved you boys, and wanted to see you, I had to look out for my own well-being too.  Mentally, I was absolutely drained by this point.  I had nothing left in my tank.  I was defeated, depressed, in pain, in agony, and suffering mentally every day.  I was beginning to realize this was a problem that didn’t have a solution.  No matter what I did, and the changes I made, it wasn’t going to be good enough for your mother, for her lawyers, or for the courts. Not to mention boys, thirty thousand dollars is a lot of debt to accrue.  That’s life changing debt; the kind of debt that I might never be able to pay down.  And it made me so angry, because, I thought, that money should be going to you boys instead. 

I had to take a break.  I was honestly questioning whether I was going to make it through this alive or not.  I had gotten zero victories in the custody battle up to this point.  Not one person, aside from my mom and R, understood the work I had put into myself and the progress I had made.  I was a great father leading up to this point, so the fact that everything about my parenting had been tarnished, lied about, and destroyed broke my heart.  Again, I wasn’t a perfect dad, I’ll never claim that I was.  I made plenty of mistakes, the same way all parents do.  However, I learned from my mistakes, and was continually trying to improve myself as a dad, and as a person. It seemed no one who had any influence in the custody matter cared about my progress.  I had to step away.  It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life.  But this custody case was killing me.  It was ruining me.  I was only a shell of the person I had been before.  It was destroying my relationship with R as well. R and I were fighting constantly.  All of my time, effort, attention, and money were being given to this case; and there wasn’t much of me left over for her.  That was not fair to R.  The woman who supported me through it all up to this point; and here I was, offering her my scraps and leftovers.  That wasn’t right.  I knew that I had to refocus my attention back on myself, and on my relationship with R, otherwise, you might not have ever had a dad to come back to.  And so, I made the decision to step away.  I told A that I could no longer partake in therapy, and that I didn’t feel it was helping at all to reunify me with you guys; because it wasn’t.  I told my lawyers to please stop responding to your mother’s relentless attacks.  I stopped going to my Kaiser classes and groups.  I stopped seeing my individual counselor.  I needed a break.  I needed to feel like I was human again, and not a slave to a corrupt family court system.  My efforts to regain custody back were being ridiculed, denied, ignored.  I knew at this point that my time, energy, and focus could be better spent elsewhere, for the benefit of myself, and for you guys.  O and C, I apologize for stepping away when I did, but please understand, I had to. 

Love,

Dad