05/04/22

Dear O and C,

I’m sorry for all of the hurt and the pain that I’ve caused.  I did the best I could as a father.  Being a parent is very difficult.  There is a lot of responsibility involved.  I always told myself that I was going to be a better father to you than my dad was to me.  Truth be told, now that I have a chance to reflect, my dad was never a bad dad.  I just wished I got to spend more time with him.  I was only five years old when my parents divorced.  It was very hard on me, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been, and still is, for you.  I missed my dad very much after my parents got divorced.  I primarily lived at my grandparent’s house with my mom. I was able to see my dad every other weekend, but it never felt like enough time.  And, the time I did get to spend with my dad wasn't always a good time.  He always had girlfriends around, and oftentimes he would pay more attention to them than he would my brother and I.  That was very hard on me.  In the past, I told myself I would never get divorced because I wouldn’t want to put you guys through the same pain I went through as a child.  But your mother and I realized that we could not make our marriage work.  We were fighting constantly, and we didn’t see eye to eye on many important issues.  So again, we decided that it was in the best interest of everyone if we went our separate ways.  I was confident that after we got divorced, I could be an even better father to you guys than before.  I could really and truly focus on you two, and your well-being.  I was also confident that your mom was going to be able to do the same.  We no longer had to navigate our toxic relationship, we could both put our energy into raising and doing what was best for you.  I know my time spent with you after the divorce was very meaningful.  I was more intently focused on you guys.  I truly believe that I was making great progress as a father, and would have continued to be able to show you had your mother not filed the Ex-Parte.  But she did, and here we are, and that’s life.  

Life doesn’t always go our way.  But when it doesn’t, the important thing is how we respond to it.  I chose to respond in the best way I knew how; to get sober, to seek counseling, to engage in supervised visitations with you guys, and make the most of every visit.  I chose to better myself as a man.  I chose to take the difficult path, because at the end, I truly believe there will be a better life ahead for you and me.  I believe we will be reunited once again someday.  And when we are, I believe I will be the best father I can possibly be for you guys.  Every day is a work in progress for me, but I’m putting in the hard work, and I promise I’m a better man each day because of it.  

The previous supervisor had been fired, and now I had a choice to make. I either needed to agree to the next supervisor your mother suggested or throw in the towel completely.  I’ll admit, I was ready to throw in the towel.  I had lost every battle up until this point.  Not one person had listened to my side of the story.  My children were taken from me by a judge who didn’t know me, through a computer, based on mostly false allegations by your mother.  I was so beaten down at this point.  I had no victories to speak of.  My life had been completely flipped upside down.  I had lost the two most important people in my entire life.  I couldn’t write to you, talk to you on the phone, email you; your mother had cut off all contact, even though there was no court order saying that needed to be the case.  I sent you letters, which I know you didn’t get.  Your mother wrote in a court document that my writing you letters was something called, “love bombing.”  Love bombing!  I had never even heard of such a term.  I looked up the definition.  It meant, “Trying to win back someone’s love by sending them gifts.”  I was so in shock, and disheartened.  That was the last thing I was trying to do.  I literally just wanted to communicate with my sons, in any way possible.  I still do, but I’m terrified to try, based on everything that has unfolded.  That is why I am writing to you here.  So that one day, when you are able to read this, you will know the truth.  You both deserve to know the truth.  

And so, I made my decision, and agreed to your mother’s suggested new supervisor.  She had the same name as your mother, which, although was a coincidence, I am sure she relished in. Additionally, R and I agreed that the visits could no longer take place at our house because it was too traumatizing for R to have to leave the house every time you guys came over.  In the past, when she came home after a visit and saw your handprints or footprints or pictures you had drawn, it made her cry knowing that you were here, in her house, and that she couldn’t see you. So, my mom, being the generous and gracious woman that she is, agreed that visits could take place at her house.  Your mother made the rule that grandma was not allowed to be present during visitation.  Although this made grandma very sad, she understood and was supportive of me being able to see you guys.  Your mother also changed the day and time, from Saturday mornings at 10am, to Sunday afternoons at 1pm.  I also believe this was strategic, because she knew R and I like to watch the 49ers and most of their games were on Sunday at 1pm. 

Nonetheless, the visits began, with the lady, who had the same name as your mother.  Grandma had to leave fifteen minutes prior to you guys arriving, so there was no chance that you would see her.  Then, your mother dropped you off down the street with the supervisor, and the supervisor walked you to grandma’s house.  Despite the horrific circumstances, I was always so happy to see you guys and you were usually happy to see me too.  Although, I could tell things were taking a toll on you.  I could tell that the lack of time spent with me, the distance, and the lack of communication caused you to be less loving towards me.  You didn’t hug me quite as tight.  You weren’t making eye contact with me the way you used to.  And sometimes, conversation felt forced.  I didn’t let it get to me.  I held it together.  Despite wanting to break down and cry many times right there in front of you, I didn’t.  I put on my best smile, and did everything I could to make our visits as special and loving as possible.  

Grandma went way out of her way to make sure the visits were special too.  She cooked the best food for you. She made turkey sandwiches with avocado.  She bought yogurt, strawberries, cookies, and sparkling Italian soda; all of your favorites.  She bought board games, puzzles, and new coloring supplies.  Although she could not see you, she wanted you to know that she loved you with all her heart, and still thought about you constantly.  I’m not sure if you remember how close you were to your grandma, my mom.  Grandma loved you guys so much!  She spent so much time with you guys.  She helped me take care of you both, from the minute each of you were born.  She helped cook, clean, and babysit.  She took you on walks, to the park, to the zoo.  That was her favorite, taking you guys to the zoo.  She bought a membership, just so she could take you.  You boys loved going to the zoo with grandma.  You both had such kind hearts, and loved seeing the animals so much.  It truly brought all of us so much joy.  Plus, there was an amazing playground there that you guys loved to play at.  I can’t forget the carousel.  There is the most amazing carousel at the zoo, and we would ride it every time we went, sometimes multiple times.  Grandma baked you apple pies.  She had you over for sleepovers often.  In the morning, she made you waffles, and put vanilla ice cream on top.  She regularly took you to Target, and bought you new toys.  She read to you, bathed you, drew pictures with you, played Legos with you, sculpted play-dough with you, took you to froggy park.  We went to froggy park often.  We called it that, because there were two frogs that shot water out of their mouths.  You guys loved those frogs, and would get soaking wet!  The park was enclosed, so you could ride your scooters and bikes there.  There were trees to climb there, and I would climb them with you.  We made forts, played hide and seek, and kicked the soccer ball around.  Grandma always packed the best lunches, snacks, and drinks.  Your love for grandma, and her love for you, was greater than any love I had ever seen between grandma and grandchild.  It was a very special connection.  So, when I lost you guys, grandma did too.  And so did the rest of my family.  B, L, J and M were devastated.  J and M didn’t understand why they couldn’t see you, and it was so hard to explain it to them in a way that made sense, so most of the time, we didn’t even try.  Our whole entire family missed you guys so much; they still do.  We all long for the time when we get to see you guys again.  

Back to the visits.  They were great.  We ate good food.  We played, laughed, and had fun.  We made up new games.  We made one game up in grandma’s backyard, where we had to underhand toss that basketball to the person next to us.  And if the person wasn’t looking, and didn’t catch the ball, then the person who threw it was out.  It was so silly, but we laughed so hard and had so much fun.  We drew with chalk on grandma’s patio.  We watched the dog next store jump after fly’s and try and eat them; it was hilarious.  The visits were going as well as could be expected.  You guys fought often, but I was doing the best I could at calming the situation down, and redirecting both of you to a non-confrontational place.  You were both very high energy children, and grandma’s house is very small, so needless to say, sometimes visits were difficult.  After one particularly tough visit, when you guys had a little extra energy, the supervisor came back to the house to tell me what a wonderful job she thought I was doing.  That was very nice to hear, and the first time I had been validated on my parenting since the last supervisor.  

And then came that dreadful day in February, Valentine’s Day.  I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day.  It stemmed from when I was a little kid.  Oftentimes, I was the kid in the class without a valentine.  Other boys were getting cards and candy from girls, and I was getting nothing.  That was sad and upsetting for me.  I always felt left out and excluded on that day.  It’s a made-up holiday anyway and has no significance, yet we treat it in America like it’s the one day we’re supposed to show those closest to us that we love and care about them.  The truth is, everyday should be that way.  Anyway, it’s just another excuse to buy cards, candy, flowers, and spend money on things that we don’t really need.  It’s kind of silly if you think about it.  Nonetheless, we always celebrated it with you guys.  I always bought you cards, candy, and a toy to celebrate the day.  However, I couldn’t do that this year.  So, grandma baked you guys a Valentine’s Day cake instead.  It was chocolate, with pink frosting, with candy hearts on top.  It was really beautiful.  When you guys arrived, I could tell instantly that you were already hopped up on sugar.  Seriously, you were bouncing off of the walls. I knew it was going to be a tough visit.  But I took some deep breaths and reassured myself that it was going to be okay. 

The visit started off like any other.  We sat on the floor, and played a card matching game.  You were both quite silly and began throwing the cards.  I tried redirecting you both, and drawing your attention back to the game, but neither of you were interested.  Then, C, you picked up one of the cards, and raised it above your head, as if you were going to throw it at your brother.  I grabbed your wrist and removed that card from your hand.  I did absolutely nothing wrong, but at that moment, my gut told me that this would become an issue, and be heavily scrutinized.  I had a nervous and uneasy feeling the rest of the visit.  I asked you both to pick up all of the cards you had thrown all over grandma’s living room, from the game she had just purchased for you.  You both laughed in my face, mimicked me, and refused to pick the cards up.  So, I picked them up instead. I’ll admit, I wasn’t happy about this, but I couldn’t express that either.  I knew that the visit could go south in a hurry, and so I chose to keep it positive.  We sat down and ate lunch.  You barely ate lunch, and instead, kept asking for cake.  Although I knew you had both already had way too much sugar before you got to grandma’s house, I also knew grandma spent a lot of time baking that cake for you, and her feelings would be hurt if you didn’t have a piece.  I also wanted to do something nice for you on Valentines’ Day, and giving you a piece of cake was about all I was allowed to do. So, we ate cake.  Then, we went out to the backyard.  I’ll admit, I wanted the visit to end, before something else could potentially go wrong.  It’s not that I didn’t want to spend as much time with you as possible, I did.  At the same time, I recognized the situation, and knew that it was ripe for disaster.  C, on the way out to the patio, you grabbed the wooden dowel that grandma used to lock her sliding glass door, and again, raised it above your head, as if you were going to hit someone with it.  I had to grab the stick from your hand, and hide it.  Finally, two o’clock came, and the supervisor walked you to your mother’s car.  I was relieved the visit was over, but I also had a very uneasy feeling.  It is said that our intuitions are usually right, and that we should listen to them, and although I knew in my heart that I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was terrified by what my intuition was telling me. 

Okay, let me back up here a little bit.  I almost forgot.  Prior to you guys arriving for this Valentine’s Day visit, grandma was running late.  I told her, she needed to leave, as she was not allowed to see you, per their mother’s request.  Usually, she left ten minutes early, at 12:50pm.  You usually arrived at 1pm on the dot.  However, on this fateful day, grandma did not leave until 12:55pm, and, as luck would have it, you arrived early.  I just knew you guys were going to cross paths.  I didn’t dare peak my head outside though, in fear of, well, everything.  As fate would have it, you did cross paths with grandma prior to arriving at the front door.  You boys did not speak anything of it, nor did I.  I think you knew you weren’t supposed to see her, so you kept it quiet.  I didn’t know you guys had actually crossed paths until grandma came home after the visit.  She was in tears, naturally.  (Yes, more than two hours later).  This was the first time in six months that grandma had seen you.  The last time you saw her, you were loving towards her, giving her hugs, and kisses, and as happy as could be.  This time, she said you looked at her like you didn’t even know her.  I don’t know if your mother trained you for this moment, but grandma said it was like seeing two ghosts.  She said it looked as if you didn’t even recognize her.  She said hello to the both of you, however, you didn’t respond to her, and kept walking towards the front door.  You can imagine how traumatic this was for grandma.  As much as you were a part of my life, you were a part of hers as well.  You boys were everything to her.  She loved and cared for you so deeply.  For her to not get a reaction from either of you, just about killed her.  I don’t blame either of you for your reaction.  Again, you must have been trained on how to respond should that have taken place.  Or, you were so in shock and didn’t know how to react.  Or, you had been brainwashed into thinking grandma was a bad person, and you no longer trusted her.  Whichever it was, it was not your fault.  Also, as I’m writing this, I’m remembering other details. One that stands out to me, is you telling me that you were going to Kentucky Fried Chicken after the visit, and that you always did after every visit.  That it was “your reward,” as you put it.  It dawned on me, you had to be rewarded, just to go and see your father for a couple of hours on a Sunday.  That made me very sad.  It also made me upset that you were eating such unhealthy food.  That had always been a point of contention between your mother and I.  I left grandma’s feeling pain, sadness, anguish, and defeat.  I left feeling so bad for my mom and what she had just experienced.  On top of that, I feared for what was to come. 

Love,

Dad