05/03/22

Dear O and C,

On Wednesday, September 8, 2020, I got the worst phone call I’ve ever received in my life. It was a lawyer.  She was mean, stern and downright nasty.  Right away, she told me that if I did not comply with your mother’s requests, then I would lose you both forever.  She threatened my job, saying, “Now, wouldn’t it be unfortunate if your employer found out about your incident?”  She told me I could possibly go to jail. Basically, by signing the document, I was agreeing to the following: that I had been abusive to you both and your mother, that I was an alcoholic, and that I would attend a 6-month inpatient treatment program (which would have forced me to quit my job by the way).  I couldn’t agree to any of that.  And I definitely didn’t agree to giving up my time with you boys: my pride and joy.  Despite the lawyers’ awful threats, and mean and nasty language, I wouldn’t sign.  I refused to sign away my rights as a father or acknowledge in a document like that, without having any legal representation myself, things that I was not comfortable with.  I was a great father to you boys.  Yes, I made my mistakes, but for the most part, I was a great father. 

  Since both of you were born, I fell in love with each of you right away.  Our bond was so strong.  I protected you, nurtured you, fed you, clothed you, changed your diapers, tucked you in and read you bedtime stories every night.  I took you to the park and played with you for hours each day.  I encouraged both sides of the family to be a huge part of your lives, and did everything in my power to make that happen.  We planned dinners, birthday parties, vacations, with family, so you could form relationships and bonds with all of your family members.  You were especially close with my mom, your grandma.  She often joined us at the park to play.  She babysat you.  She made you healthy food.  She read to you, played games with you, colored with you.  O and C, I can tell you this with great confidence, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love the two of you.  There is something about being a parent, it’s magical.  The bonds are unbreakable (or so I thought).  There was a deep, spiritual connection between us, that I knew, could never be replicated, or taken from us.  So, for all of these reasons, I hope you can understand why I didn’t sign that document.  

The next weekend, I forfeited my time with you because I didn’t want to cause any trouble.  I thought, maybe we could let the dust settle, and come to some form of agreement.  I was wrong. A couple of days later, I was served with nearly a one hundred page court document explaining that your mother and her lawyers had filed an Ex-Parte.  I was in shock.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  Up until this point, your mother and I had seemed to be communicating about things just fine.  And now, the only way I could communicate with her was through a lawyer.  This was all so unfamiliar to me.  I was devastated.  I was also very upset, and angry.  I had to hire a lawyer, which was not cheap, and I had no extra money at the time.  Matter of fact, I had to take out a loan just to be able to retain a lawyer.  This was madness to me, and seemed like such a waste of money and resources.  There was a court date set in two weeks.  During those two weeks, I had limited contact with you.  Your mother agreed that I could see you, if we had a supervisor present.  So, fortunately, a mutual friend of ours agreed to supervise, and you two were allowed over to the house for two hours on Saturday.  It felt weird. Here I was, a father that had cared for you, kept you safe, loved you for seven and eight years respectively, and now I needed someone to supervise my time with you.  This felt like such a huge power play on your mother’s part, like she wanted to have complete and total control over me.  It’s not right to want to have control over another human being; I hope you both realize that.  However, we made the most of our time regardless.  I made sandwiches and cut up fresh fruit for lunch.  We played soccer in the backyard.  You both baked cookies with R, and even celebrated Rosh Hashanah. Our time was limited, but enjoyable.   We met your mom in a neutral location and our friend who was supervising at the time, walked you over to your mom’s car, and that was that.  I had no idea when I’d see you again, or what was going to happen next.  

The court date was upon us.  Of course, because of the Covid pandemic, it was all virtual.  So, I logged on, and so did my lawyer.  Your mother and her lawyer were in the virtual room as well.  There were many other people popping up on my computer screen too. It's a public court, so the judge was scheduled to hear many cases that day.  I was nervous.  I had no idea what to expect.  I waited, and waited, and waited, until, finally, it was our turn.  Your mother’s attorney spoke first.  She said so many terrible things about me. She detailed how I was an alcoholic, abusive, and unfit to be a father, and that I was dangerous and posed a threat to my children.  I remember thinking, “This lady doesn’t even know me. How can she say all of these things about me?” My lawyer did her best to try and defend me, but it didn’t matter, the judge hardly listened.  The judge had made her mind up long before the trial even began.  She granted your mother’s Ex-Parte, which meant that your mother now had temporary sole legal and physical custody of you two.  This meant I couldn’t see you unless a plan was in place, and it was agreed upon by the two parties.  The judge ordered supervised visitation, family therapy, individual therapy for me, and that I take part in an alcohol treatment program.  At this point, I felt that I had been so wronged.  I was so angry at your mother and her lawyer for putting me through this.  I was so angry that the two of you had to be put through this.  It wasn’t fair. I was hurt, upset, and devastated that I could no longer see the two of you, unless I followed and adhered to a strict set of guidelines mandated by the court.  All of this quickly became extremely expensive.  But, at the end of the day, it didn’t matter.  I was going to do anything in my power to see the two of you and right this ship. 

And so my new journey began.  I had to prove to your mother and to the court that I was a good father and a responsible man.  I took all the steps necessary.  I enrolled myself in therapy at Kaiser.  I called the supervised visitation company, and scheduled supervised visits.  Your mother, of course, had control over the time, day, and who could be present during the visitations.  It was agreed that she would drop you off with the supervisor in the parking lot of our local neighborhood restaurant. Once you were there, the supervisor would call me and I would walk to meet up with you.  C, you were always super excited to see me.  You would run up to me and give me the biggest hug, and wanted me to give you a piggyback ride all the way to my house; which I happily did. O, you were more reluctant to see me.  You were more quiet and reserved, at first.  However, it didn’t take long before you warmed up to me.   Due to your mom’s orders, R was not allowed to be at the house during supervised visitation.  This, obviously, was very difficult for R, and again, put a lot of strain on my relationship with her.  As painful as it was, I had to set aside my differences with R, and do what was right for you guys.  You being able to see me, and vice versa, was what was most important.  R agreed and was saddened by the fact that she had to leave her own home and could not see the two of you.  She loved you guys, and this experience had become very traumatic for her as well, especially because your mother had not treated her fairly throughout the process either.  

All of that being said, visitations went well.  I always made you guys very yummy lunches.  Usually, grilled cheese sandwiches, carrots, apples, yogurt, and a milkshake for dessert.  It took some time to get used to having a supervisor present.  She would sit there, hovering over us the whole time, taking notes on everything that happened.  It didn’t worry me; our interactions were always kind, loving, and full of fun and laughter.  We played battle blades, built and created things with Legos and play-dough, drew pictures, read books, and played ball outside and in the sunroom.  We always had good visits, which was very evident to the supervisor as well.  She complimented me on how well I was doing, and how much love there was between us.  Again, for how difficult the situation was, I was trying to be optimistic, and make the most of it, and show you boys that no matter what happens, my love for you is greater than anything in the world, and I would stop at nothing to prove it to you. 

Fast forward a few weeks.  O, I missed your birthday because I was not allowed to see you on that day.  Your mother did agree however, that R could drop a gift off at your house on your birthday.  As luck would have it, the day before your birthday, I took R on a mountain bike ride.  She fell, and sliced her leg wide open on a piece of metal rebar.  I carried her all the way out from the lake at Water Dog, and down the fire road to the street.  I ran back up the hill, got on my bike, and rode to my truck as fast as I could.  Once I got to my truck, I drove down to where R was sitting, lifted her into my truck, and drove her to the emergency room.  Her leg was bleeding everywhere.  The cut was so long and deep, you could see her bone.  She was in so much pain.  It took thirty something stitches to close that gash up.  The cut was over four inches long, and when sewed up, looked like the stitching on a baseball; it was really tight and elevated.  Her pain was persistent. The doctor said that if the cut had been one centimeter to the left, it would have done bone and nerve damage, which would have required extensive surgery and rehabilitation.  I felt so bad for R; poor thing.  I have to tell you something though O, she was determined to bring you your birthday present.  R could not drive on her own, so, I agreed to drive her over to your house, so she could drop the present off.  When we got to your house, I watched her limp to the front door, drop the gift off for you on the doorstep, and slowly limp back to the truck.  She was clearly in so much pain, but that didn’t matter to her. We both wanted to be able to celebrate you on your birthday, in the small way that we were allowed to.  What I didn’t know was that your mom had installed a security camera and saw my truck in the background.  She made a huge deal about this to the court, and filed it in her next court document as harassment.  I can assure you, there was nothing harassing about it.  Our intentions were as pure and positive as could be.  Sometimes in life, things happen, and you adapt the best you can, and that’s what we did, for you O.  

Another month went by.  I didn’t see you for Thanksgiving.  Another month went by and now it is December.  I knew this was going to be a tough month, because I had never spent a Christmas without you both.  I had to face the harsh reality that this Christmas would be different.  I would not get to spend it with you.  Not only that, due to the rules of the Supervision company, I was not allowed to give you any presents either.  However, there was no way I wasn’t going to buy presents for you. I bought both of you Christmas presents, and put them under our Christmas tree.  When you visited, on the Sunday before Christmas, you both noticed the gifts and asked me about them.  I told you, when this is all over, and I have custody of you once again, you will get to open the presents then.  Although you were disappointed at first, this answer seemed to satisfy you enough, and we went on playing stuffed animal baseball in the living room. I remember feeling nervous after you guys left, like maybe I did something wrong by having the gifts under the tree.  I was in such a catch twenty-two, caught in between a rock and a hard place.  I wanted so bad to show you in every way possible that I loved you more than anything in the world.  And buying you Christmas gifts was normal, and just another way I could show you that I was thinking about you.  You also have to understand that I was sobbing hysterically every day and every night, missing you guys.  I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, and be perfect, just to get the opportunity to one day have some form of custody back.  So, every time I did something, like buy you a gift, even though my intention was as pure as gold, I worried that somehow I did something wrong, or broke a rule.  Well, as it turns out, my intuition was right.  

The next day I received a phone call from the supervisor, her name was W.  She was crying and profusely apologizing to me.  She informed me that your mother had her fired as the supervisor.  W told me that your mother claimed that she allowed me to bribe you with gifts, which was not at all what happened.  The supervisor told me that she was so sorry and that she couldn’t believe that your mother had done this.  She told me that I was a great father and that she could tell you guys loved me very much.  Still crying, she wished me the best of luck and then we got off the phone.  I was devastated.  I knew that I was doing everything right by you both, and the court, to earn back custody. Yet, my efforts were continuing to be thwarted by your mother and her attorney.  I felt hopeless, like no matter what I did, it wasn’t going to be good enough. It felt like I was getting nowhere, despite all of my efforts, and that your mother was putting up roadblocks every step of the way.  I often wonder how I mustered the strength to continue.  But I always kept you boys in my mind, and reminded myself that I was doing this for you.  The thought of having you guys back in my life and my love for you is what kept me going.

By this time, I had been sober for four months.  I was in an alcohol dependency program through Kaiser, and it was working wonders for me.  There was absolutely no way I could have gone through the custody process while continuing to drink.  It was so difficult; I would have surely drank myself to death.  Being sober was very eye opening for me.  It felt good, like I had a clear mind for the first time in a long time.  I took classes, attended groups, and felt like I was part of a community.  I was also seeing my counselor regularly, which helped tremendously.  I was able to confront some demons that had been plaguing me for years.  I was opening up about some of my issues for the first time in my life.  I was able to admit and acknowledge my flaws and shortcomings from my past, while at the same time, figure out the best path and solutions for my future.  It was very helpful.  Reading some of the documents your mother submitted to the court about me made me sick.  I knew I wasn’t always the best father, or husband to your mother, but she flat out lied about me in many of the declarations she submitted.  It's important for you to know that she was not perfect either, and the fact that she did not have to go through any of the programs or classes that I was attending made no sense.  This is a complete and utter failure by the court system.  Anytime a custody dispute is filed, both parties should be held accountable by the court of law to prove themselves as good people and competent parents.  There has never been a time, nor will there ever be, in a custody dispute when only one parent is the guilty party. I knew that because of the documents your mother had filed with the court and the false accusations she had submitted, that the microscope was going to be directly pointed at me.  As unfair as it seemed, I had no other choice.  I knew I could make the changes that needed to be made, in order for you boys to feel safe with me again; and I was more than willing to do so.  

This situation put a tremendous amount of stress on my relationship with R.  It pushed us to the brink several times, and we almost ended our relationship because of it.  It was all consuming. We had to deal with this on top of a global pandemic and learn how to hold down our jobs in a completely new world.  We had to learn new technology, methods of teaching, and ways to assess students.  Also, sports were shut down, so we didn’t have the opportunity to coach, which is something R and I both love doing.  We couldn’t go out to restaurants, take trips or get away for the weekend because everything was shut down.  We were forced to be at home with one another, under extreme circumstances, and at times, unbearable amounts of stress.  We did our best and coped the best that we could.

Love,

Dad