05/02/22
Dear O and C,
Before I continue with the timeline of events, I want to reflect upon the day each of you were born and give you a glimpse of my relationship with each of you from the start. I remember both of those days like it was yesterday. From the minute you were born, I loved you more than I had ever loved anything before.
O, when you were born, your mother went through a very intensive labor. We were in the hospital for two nights, and you weren’t budging. Your mother was covered head to toe in a rash, and was experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. They gave her an epidural, in hopes that it would control the pain, help her dilate, and help you to come out. No such luck. On October 1st, 2011, at 7am, they performed an emergency c-section to take you out. I was in shock when I saw you for the first time. I began to cry instantly. You were so beautiful. I couldn’t believe how big you were, 9 lbs and 2 oz! I cut the umbilical cord, and then I handed you to your mother.
C, when you were born, it was a different story. Your mother had some heart complications, and doctors weren’t taking any chances, so it was a planned c-section. There were so many Doctors and Nurses in the room. I wasn’t even allowed in there, which made me kind of sad; but I understood why. They were taking every precaution to keep you and your mother safe. As soon as you were born, I got to come in the room, and hold you. You were so big and beautiful as well. You were 7 lbs. 8 oz, even though you were born two weeks early!
Both of you were such healthy, active, and beautiful babies. O, you took to your little brother instantly. You held him the first chance you got, and had the biggest smile on your face. I knew right then and there that you were going to be an incredible big brother. You were so loving towards your little brother, until he got a bit older, and then you fought like crazy! Once C began walking and talking, you were always at each other’s throats; the way all brothers are. But, when it came to loyalty, there was no question you would protect one another. I always told you two to look out for one another. One day, at the park, O, you took me quite literally. There was a boy, about your age O, who began to pick on C, making him cry. You went and got a stick, and hit the boy with it. He began to cry. I had to go and explain what had happened to his parents, and they were not pleased. I apologized to them, and explained to you, how that was not acceptable behavior and that we don’t solve problems through violence. I must admit though, it did give me a sense of pride that you O, would go to such lengths to protect your brother.
Back to the timeline of events. Things were looking up. R and I moved into our new house on September 1st, 2020. Uncle B, L, and two friends helped us, so we were able to get everything moved in one day. The rest of the week we busily unpacked, and got ready for our first weekend with you both. We had so much fun organizing the house, setting up the new furniture, and putting together your room. R and I found two twin bed frames that someone was giving away, so I immediately contacted them, and we picked them up. The frames were in rough shape, so R and I spent hours sanding them down and painting them white. They turned out beautiful! We also did the same with a side table, which we placed right in the middle of your two beds. We bought night lights, and put one in your bedroom, and one in the bathroom, so you would feel safe at night. I couldn’t wait to show you guys the new house, and have you stay there for the first time.
We were ready for you. It was Thursday, and your mother dropped you off at our new house. You guys were excited, but I could tell, a little skeptical as well. You were a little reserved in your emotions, and your reactions towards the new house, which I felt, was totally understandable. After the divorce, I always tried to approach you guys with a kind, gentle, and almost forgiving approach. You made comments about how your backyard was bigger, and how your house was nicer. I wasn’t sure if this was coming from your mother, or if you were attempting to be protective of your mother. In either case, I tried not to let your lack of enthusiasm hurt me. I graciously explained that yes, your backyard is bigger, but there are many nice things about this house as well. I did not hold your comments or lack of excitement against you, as I knew that this was a big change for you, and you had already been through many changes in a short amount of time.
We brought your bags into your room, and got settled in for the weekend. There was definitely a weird vibe in the air. R and I had not been getting along all that well, but we did not show it in front of you. You boys weren’t really motivated to do much of anything. You wanted to lay in your bedroom and play on your iPads and phones. I remember this upsetting me. I expected you guys to want to be more active, and utilize our new space and the backyard. Looking back, it shouldn’t have made not one bit of difference to me how you wanted to spend your time; although I am not a proponent of zoning out on technological devices. I remember wanting to play catch in the backyard, and neither of you wanted to play. I became upset, and frustrated by this. R had to intervene and calm me down. She also explained to you guys that, sometimes you have to make compromises, and meet people in the middle. After R spoke with you, you guys did agree to play catch, but it felt forced, and no one was having fun, so it ended quickly.
There were a few things you liked about the house. One was the hand-truck in the garage. You loved standing on it, and having me give you a ride around the driveway. We did this many times, and there were lots of smiles. This is a fond memory for me because I did the same thing with my own father when I was your age. You both also loved the apple tree in the backyard, as well as your walk in closet that had a step in it. You also enjoyed the big linen closets. You could both climb in there at the same time, making it similar to a fort or a secret hiding place. When I walked by to see, O, you flipped me off. I didn’t get mad, but I was hurt. You guys were very happy to leave when your mother got there, and to be honest, I was relieved as well. I put a lot of time, energy, and effort into taking care of you guys, and it did not feel well received. I did not feel appreciated, and I was saddened by this. We said our goodbyes, and “I love you” but something felt different this time; something felt off.
O and C, I want to apologize for what happened next. After you left, I walked to the liquor store and bought a twelve pack of beer. When I got home, I sat in front of the television, turned on a baseball game, and proceeded to drink. I drank one beer, two beers, and three beers. I was drinking to numb my pain, to numb my feelings. I was using alcohol as medicine, as a coping mechanism. I was trying to drink all of my problems away. None of these were valid reasons to be drinking. Up to that point, I had struggled with my relationship with alcohol for almost my entire life. I often drank too much, and when I did, I got mean. I’m sober now, so I don’t think any time is a good time to drink, but how I was using alcohol to cope with my feelings that day, was definitely wrong. I couldn’t see it at the time. I felt helpless. I felt like the first weekend in the new house with you guys was a failure. I felt like R didn’t respect me, and wasn’t hearing me. I felt like I wasn’t being heard by anyone. I just wanted to retreat. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole, and stay there for a long time. But in life, you can’t do that. Life moves on whether you want it to or not. And so I felt like the next best option was to get drunk and watch baseball. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for letting alcohol destroy my life. I’m sorry I didn’t set a better example for you two, when it comes to alcohol and behavior surrounding it. I assure you, when I get the chance, I will set the best example for you when it comes to alcohol, and abstinence from it.
What happened next, would change all of our lives forever, and again, I apologize for that. When R got home from the grocery store, we had already been in a fight. She saw me drinking in front of the television, and became quite upset, with good reason. I told her that I just wanted to get drunk and be left alone. Well, R was having none of that, and I don’t blame her. She said, “not in my house you’re not,” and proceeded to pour the rest of my beers down the drain. I became enraged by this, and began yelling and screaming at her. You see, when alcohol gets a hold of you, you are no longer in control. I was no longer in control. At that moment, alcohol was more important to me than R was, and that was so wrong. R was only trying to do what she knew was the right thing to do, and she even had my best interest at heart. But, I was blinded by the alcohol, and already in a rage by this point. I was screaming, intimidating her, and calling her names. I left the house and said, “fine, if you’re going to pour all my beer out, I’m just going to get more,” which is exactly what I did. I walked to the liquor store, and attempted to buy more alcohol. R was scared for my safety when I left the house, and didn’t know what to do. She called my brother and my mother. They immediately got in their cars and went looking for me. My mother found me, but I was in no kind of condition to speak with her. So, I ran. I ran to the park and hid. I thought, if I can’t drink my problems away, I can at least hide from them, right? Wrong. Again, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t run from your problems, or hide from them either. They will always be right there waiting for you. I hid at that park for as long as I could; I was scared. Scared to face my fears, my realities, scared my life was crumbling to the ground, and that there was nothing I could do about it. Ironically, the park I was at was the same park where I coached C’s soccer team, and that brought me a little bit of comfort, and peace of mind. After a couple of hours, I began to sober up. I talked to B on the phone, and he assured me that it was okay for me to return home. He was there, along with my mom, and R. We talked and worked things out, but the damage had already been done. You see, when R called my brother and informed him of the situation, your Aunt L immediately called your mother. She told her that I was drunk, and on the run, and to be careful, because I might be coming over to her house. This could not have been further from the truth, as I intentionally walked in the opposite direction of your house. I wish your Aunt L had reached out to R to get a better of the idea of the situation, rather than jump to conclusions. Ultimately, the last thing I would have wanted was for you, or your mother, to see me in my current condition. But, like I said, the damage had already been done. I went to sleep that night with a heavy heart, knowing that I would have to explain this to your mother in the morning.
The next day, when I woke up, I wanted to get ahead of the situation as best I could. I knew your mother was going to be upset, but I had no idea how upset she really was. I called her and tried to explain, and smooth things over. She was having none of it. What happened next caught me so off guard. She had a lengthy DocuSign contract that she wanted me to agree to, and sign. It stated that moving forward, I would no longer get to have you guys on the weekends. I would only get to see you on Tuesday and Thursday for two hours in the evening. This made absolutely no sense to me. In my mind, I was making great progress as a father. The time we spent together was wonderful, healthy, productive, fun, loving, and more. I was making progress as a father, and as a man. The punishment definitely did not fit the crime. I couldn’t see how one, rather large, mistake on my end could lead to so much punishment towards me, by your mother. Up to this point, there had been no prior incidents at my house when you were in my care. At the very most, I thought your mother and I would sit down and create a mutually agreed upon plan for what life would look like moving forward; much like we did during our divorce. I had no idea your mother was going to take it this far. She explained that if I didn’t sign the DocuSign, then she would take it to the courts, and file an Ex-Parte. “An Ex-what?” I said. I had never heard of such a thing. I could not agree to give my time with you boys up. I was trying to move toward getting more time with you, not less. It was unfathomable to me that we would go from having you guys every weekend, to only two nights a week for dinner. It felt like a control move on your mother’s part. I wouldn’t agree to this. I didn’t think it was possible for the court to take you guys away from me. After all, since the divorce, I hadn’t done anything that would warrant such a thing. You boys were happy with me, and not once did you express wanting to be with me less. Well, I was in for a rude awakening. What happened next hit me like a ton of bricks. I was blindsided. I never saw it coming.
Love,
Dad
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